The Dating Queen

Okay, I know it's nowhere near Christmas, but since I'm actually in Vegas right now, and I'm the only Silicon Valley resident without a laptop, or an iphone, or an ipad, this post had to be written ahead of time.

And seeing as I'm about to run to the airport, I thought I'd post, for your entertainment, a little recording of me singing. A capella.

(If you want to see a live video version (in my messy art studio), click here. You'll get some tips on how to hold a microphone, but don't let that fool you – just keep watching to the end!)

Enjoy, happy dating, and have a great weekend!

It Sucks Being Single At Christmas.mp3

Tagged as: music No Comments

2Jun/100

Ask the Dating Queen: What to wear?

Part of an ongoing, periodic series in which the illustrious Dating Queen (that being me) draws on her vast dating experience to answer the questions of readers in the most queenly of fashions.

In other words, I'll blather on about what I think, and you're free to take it or leave it.

No, I'm not a therapist, but I've done a lot of dating (seriously, in one 2 1/2 year stretch I dated 57 men, which by default makes me something of an expert), and I've got me some opinions, which I'm oh, so happy to share.

Wanna play? Just click here and send me your question. I can't promise an answer to every question I receive, but I'll respond to your email regardless.

Now, onto today's question!

Dear Dating Guru!

Well I have a date - yikes!
What does one wear for a first time meet and greet - possibly drinks/possibly eats in the city...evening?

Signed,
Pexperlexd With Nothing To Wear

----

Dear Perplexd,

Ah, yes, the old What-To-Wear-On-The-First-Date dilemma. I know it well.

Rhetorical question: do you think men put more than one whit's thought into this? Do you think they even put one whit's thought into it?

Well, okay, the metrosexuals do, God love 'em. But the rest of them? (And this is the breed – ie, the Fashion-Oblivious – that I seem to have dated the most. Sigh..)

Well, annoying as it can be sometimes to have so many choices, it is in fact one of the pleasures of being female. I mean, can you really blame cross-dressers? Women's apparel is just so much more fun!

That said, it still creates some trauma when one is dressing for a date, especially a first date.

Dress to suit the venue

Here's the deal: it's not as hard as you might think to figure out what to wear. The real question is, what's the venue? If you know where you're going, you pretty much just dress to match, and you're good to go.

My rule of thumb* is to dress the same way I would to meet up with a girlfriend, but slightly more spiffified.

Examples:

• Going on a hike? Obviously you're going to ditch the fake eyelashes and opt for the REI look.

• Coffee at Starbucks? Think about what you'd wear to meet a girlfriend there, and maybe add a dash of lip gloss, if you don't normally wear makeup (or mascara, if you're eyelash-pigment-impaired like me).

• After work drinks at that chic new bar downtown? Dress up a bit, but don't go overboard. I'll sometimes wear a dressy top and heels, balanced with a pair of (nicely form-fitting) jeans. Or a dressy skirt with a jean jacket.

In your case, drinks + possibly dinner, find out where you're meeting, and if you don't already know the place, scope it out ahead of time. See if there are pics online. A homey sushi bar will require a different wardrobe than the trendy four star restaurant.

(I once met a guy for lunch at an order-at-the-counter lunch place, and he showed up in a suit. With flowers. Nooooo! Believe me, you do not want to make the equivalent mistake.)

Dress strategically

Whatever the venue, it never hurts to highlight your best feature.

• Cleavage? (NOT my area of expertise) Perhaps pick the slightly lower-cut top (slightly, because you don't want to look like a hooker).

• A nice rear view? Choose the form-fitting pants rather than the baggies. Good gams?

• Shapely shoulders? Go for a camisole or tank top, if the weather's warm enough.

Don't go overboard, and don't worry too much about it. Seriously. You want someone who's going to be totally into YOU, even when you're sick in bed after a sleepless night, right? Own your own particular brand of beauty and wonderfulness, and go into the date with the attitude that you're there to scope him out.

Remember, the important question to answer on date #1 is "Am I interested in going on a 2nd date with him?" Period.

If he's not interested, regardless of the reason, then he is SO wrong for you, and good riddance!

Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

Kisses,

The Dating Queen
aka The Dating Guru

*My high school history teacher told us that "rule of thumb" comes from the Middle Ages, when a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick, as long as it was no thicker than his thumb? Though Wikipedia claims other etymologies, despite how traumatic dating can feel, aren't you glad you live in 21st Century America?

Tagged as: Dating No Comments

30May/102

The Dating Queen’s take on Values vs. Interests

"I love hiking and walking on the beach. Will you join me?"

"I love to dance — I'm looking for a good dance partner."

"I like bike riding, Mexican food, and nursing a beer with some good live music, but it's much better with someone to share."

Sound familiar? It seems like every online dating profile you look at talks about interests. It's all about what you like to do.

Of course it's nice to have common interests. I'm not immune to that desire. There was a brief time, after being spoiled by a 3-year relationship with a talented musician boyfriend, when one of my must-haves was musical chops. Okay, I'll be honest: I was looking for a jazz musician. Until I came to the conclusion that this pretty much limited my dating pool to the size of one of those inflatable kiddie wading units. Plus the fact (albeit a generalization) that musicians aren't known for being the most reliable characters.

But let's not go down that road.

What I'm interested in here is actually not interests: it's values.

You'll notice that very few profiles talk about values, yet if you think about it, common values are way more important in a relationship than common interests.

So what's the difference? Think of interests as what you like to do, and values as who you are.

My friend Fawn wrote a great post about interests and values recently. Which got me thinking about it, and how values and interests play out in my own life.

For example, I value fitness and health. My interests that support these values include long walks by the Bay and doing lots of yoga.

But the fact is, if I met someone who loved, say, bicycling and rock climbing, I could probably be fairly easily convinced to spend less time at my interests in order to join him in his interests, at least part of the time.

Hopefully he'd be willing to try out my interests too, but if not, we could probably still work it out. However, if I met someone who didn't share my value in a healthy, fit body, and who liked to spend his time watching TV, well, it probably wouldn't be a very good match.

I also value open, honest communication and commitment through thick and thin. All the affinity, compatibility and common interests in the world will never make up for a partner who bails when things get tough because he doesn't share my values. (I've learned this one the hard way.)

I've learned that I need to find out who someone is, not just what he likes to do.

How do you do that? People don't always express their values as clearly as their interests, so it behooves you to watch for warning signs and red flags, and pay attention!

If you value generosity, and you notice he's a stingy tipper, that may not be a good match.

If you value family, and he moved out of state from his kids and barely keeps in contact with them, he may not be the right guy for you, no matter how much fun you have with him.

If you value security and he's 45, with not a penny to his name and no plans to save or invest for the future, I wouldn't bet on a lifetime of happiness together.

If you value honesty and maturity, and his stories of past relationships reveal a less than stellar record in this regard, let's just say that past results may indeed be an indicator of what you can expect in the future.

The important thing is to get very clear about what your values are. As my friend Fawn writes,

...my primary value these days is being clear about my values (and then sticking to them, come what may). And anyone who tempts me to violate them is someone I need not to let too far into my life — no matter how many interests we might have in common.

Amen, sister!

Tagged as: internet dating, online dating, values 2 Comments

26May/100

8 reasons to post a profile on AFF (especially if you’re a good girl)

So why, I've been asked (more than once), would a "good girl" like myself post a profile on a site whose tagline is "meet real sex partners tonight"?

Actually, plenty of reasons. Here are 8 of them.

1) You get to practice boundary-setting

A lot of us good girls are so nice to everyone that we need some practice saying "no," as well as in basic boundary-setting. Dating in general will provide you with tons of opportunities to practice, but sometimes it's handy to have a venue where it's really, really easy to say no.

When you put up a profile on a site like AFF (especially if you include some [tasteful and artistic] nude shots, you'll likely be inundated with emails. Yes, the vast majority of those emails will be from guys you will never have any interest in responding to (as shown in my Great Age Experiment), but that's precisely the point!

When you get practice saying no (or simply ignoring) under very easy circumstances, it strengthens your limit-setting muscles for use in more challenging situations. This is a good thing.

2) You get to be very clear about what you want

This one is interesting, and came as a surprise to me. The very act of composing my profile for AFF was wonderfully liberating.

Because you get to talk about things that would be censored out of a profile on a "legit" dating site, it gives you an amazing sense of freedom to talk about, well, you know, stuff you can't talk about on a "legit" dating site.

In other words, you get to really lay out on the table everything you're looking for behind the bedroom door. You don't have to wait until an "appropriate" time in the dating process to make your kinks preferences known.

Try it. You may find that you even discover things about yourself you didn't know before!

Yes, it's a little weird, granted, to be so upfront about this stuff, but it's also kind of cool. The conversations I had with the men I met on AFF – in emails and on dates – were a lot more matter-of-fact about... well, stuff.

Let's face it, we live in a pretty uptight society, and I personally find it a relief to let some of that uptightness go.

3) You get an ego boost

Okay, a shallow ego boost, granted, and frequently illiterate and/or somewhat (or entirely) disgusting, but what girl can't use an ego boost once in awhile?

If you're not having much luck on the "legit" sites, try putting up a profile on AFF. If you're female and you have a body, you'll likely get a response. You'll feel pretty popular for at least a few seconds.

4) You get a fascinating insight into the nature of men

Um, yeah. In other words, they're very much driven by the little head.

Not always what you want to know, but information is power, you know?

5) You get confirmation of your value on the marketplace

Should you ever decide to turn pro. Just sayin'.

6) You get to see a wider range of penises than you ever thought possible

Yes, it's true. Men are obsessed with them. If you ever prayed to God for a place where you could see hundreds of teeny-tiny pics of cocks, all in one place, here's your paydirt.

7) You get a sense of power

Again, limited, but still. Especially if you feel like men have all the power in the dating world, like you're up on the auction block, waiting passively for someone, anyone, to bid on you, putting a profile up on AFF may help you get back to the place where we women belong: we are the selectors; they are the selectees.

(Which takes us back to numbers 1 & 2. You're in charge here, sister.)

8) You never know, but something really good may even come out of it

Hey, I know this is unlikely, but seriously, you never know!

I personally met some awesome guys, real gentlemen, if you can believe it. Think about it: you're on the site, right? And you're a "good girl" and a really cool person. So it makes sense that some (granted few, but some) guys on the site are also really cool people.

I met a number of guys who also had profiles on "legit" sites, and were (like me) looking for the Real Thing, not just a hookup. It happens.

Give it a try – I dare you! Then let me know what happens.

Tagged as: adult friend finder, adult friendfinder, aff, cyber dating, internet dating, online dating No Comments

22May/100

Ask the Dating Queen: Fears, Frankenstein and some cool TDQ aphorisms

Part of an ongoing, periodic series in which the illustrious Dating Queen (that being me) draws on her vast dating experience to answer the questions of readers in the most queenly of fashions.

In other words, I'll blather on about what I think, and you're free to take it or leave it.

Wanna play? Just click here and send me your question. I can't promise an answer to every question I receive, but I'll respond to your email regardless.

Now, onto today's question!

Subj: Ohhh Dating Guru.....!

Ok- there is this guy on match...he is German, seems really cool, I think we have a lot in common....why am i so scared...almost don't want to meet up with him!

And iz it okay to write within a couple of hours of receiving their response...or should one wait?
He is already asking if I want to go to the beach with him and or an art gallery and we have only traded three emails..is that okay?
Waz Frankenstein German? Could he use me in a science experiement?
AM WAY TOO SCARED TO DATE ANYONE; THAT IS WHY I AM PERPETUALLY SINGLE - and I can't spell! :(

Help Dating Guru - HELP

Signed,
German-a-fied!

----

Dear German-a-fied,

Ah, yes, it sounds like the old I'm-really-interested-in-this-guy-and-I-really-want-him-to-be-The-One-and-I'll-be-so-bummed-out-if-he-doesn't-like-me syndrome. In cases like this, feeling scared is perfectly normal.

What to do about it? Ignore it.

The Dating Queen's prescription for this particular syndrome is to date as much as you possibly can. Not just this guy, but anyone who'll ask you out. Set your inner moderator on "Yes," and go out with every guy who invites you — short, tall, thin, fat, rich, poor. That way, when you go out on a date you're more likely to approach it as a potentially interesting and hopefully-at-least-mildly-enjoyable experience, rather than a high stakes interview.

The goal is to get you to go into each date feeling curious and interested to find out who this person is and whether you like him, not stressed and anxious about whether he's going to like you.

Remember, you are assessing him. You are looking for the right guy for you. If he's not interested in you it actually says nothing about you; it just tells you he's not the right guy. (And naturally it says a lot about his poor taste. His loss.)

"And iz it okay to write within a couple of hours of receiving their response...or should one wait?"

I'm not a believer in game-playing, so if you're at your computer and the urge strikes, I say write him back! Those initial exchanges can be a lot of fun.

Just be aware that if you want to know who someone really is, let alone whether there's any chemistry, you've got to spend time with him in 3-D. (And since guys tend to get really nervous on a first date, which sometimes makes them act totally weird, unless he's clearly icky or married or otherwise inappropriate, I subscribe to a Two Date Minimum, as described in the Four Man Plan.)

Here's the thing: the only thing you can learn about a guy from email is that he gives good email.

Same with phone: the only thing you can learn about a guy from a phone call is that he gives good phone.

Sure, you can learns facts about someone, and you can read (or listen) between the lines to intuit whether the guy's a nutcase (very good to know before you meet at Starbucks), but whether he's a match for you? Uh uh. You're not gonna get that info from email or phone.

"He is already asking if I want to go to the beach with him and or an art gallery and we have only traded three emails..is that okay?"

Lovely! You've got an invitation! My recommendation (and personal M.O.) is to meet up as soon as reasonably possible, and it sounds like Mr. German Guy may have the same (obviously brilliant) M.O. Why invest more emotional energy than necessary on email and phone when the chances you'll really float each other's boats are, let's face it, rather slim?

This guy may turn out to be your Prince Charming (and I'd be the first to cheer if he does), but right now he's just some guy. One of the thousands of guys out there who might hold initial appeal. Don't stress over it; just see it for what it is: a first date.

Remember, the only real purpose for a first date is to see if there's mutual interest in a second date. Period.

If either of his suggestions appeal to you, go for it! If you're concerned about whether you'll hit it off enough to warrant a "real" date, you can always suggest a quick "meet'n'greet" date at Starbucks first, and if all goes well, schedule the beach or art gallery for your next date.

"Waz Frankenstein German? Could he use me in a science experiement?"

I believe Frankenstein was German. I actually read Mary Shelley's novel years ago, but must confess I can't honestly remember. It's possible he was Austrian or Swiss, and I'm too lazy right now to look it up on Wikipedia.

However, unless Mr. German Guy were super crafty, he probably couldn't use you in a science experiment without your consent. And he wouldn't be able to turn you into an animated corpse (which is what Frankenstein's monster was) unless you were dead. And for the record, The Dating Queen always advises that if you think someone is going to try to make you dead, run the other way, fast.

This is one reason why I also advise to always meet a new person in a well-lit public area where lots of people are around, no matter how un-Frankenstein-like they may seem. (And of course, never give out personal information like your address or a traceable phone number. Cell phones are safer than land lines for this reason, and TDQ's phones are set on ID blocking, much to the annoyance of friends and family. I also advise having a separate, web-based email account for online dating. The usual stuff.)

"AM WAY TOO SCARED TO DATE ANYONE; THAT IS WHY I AM PERPETUALLY SINGLE - and I can't spell! :("

As to the first part, if you want to not be perpetually single, you are going to have to learn to (in the words of Susan Jeffers) feel the fear and do it anyway. This is where going out with men you're not particularly excited about can help!

First, you'll be desensitizing yourself to dating in general. And second, you may discover that guys you'd previously shunned are actually quite wonderful, and possibly better for you than the guys you tend to be drawn to. Think about it: the guys you've been attracted to in the past haven't exactly worked out in the long run, have they?

As to the second part, that's why God invented spell-check.

Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

Kisses,

The Dating Queen
aka The Dating Guru

Tagged as: Ask the Dating Queen, cyber dating, Frankenstein, internet dating, online dating No Comments

18May/100

The Great Age Experiment: Week 4

Part of an ongoing series, in which your intrepid correspondent offers herself as a guinea pig in an admittedly not-very scientific online dating experiment to determine, once and for all, whether a younger age on her profile will result in greater response to said profile.

Week 4 Update

(Click here to read parts one, two, three and four in this series.)

For four weeks now your correspondent has braved the match.com trenches with a false age on her profile and posted the results. She'll admit, it was kind of fun at first, but honestly, it's getting rather boring.

Here's the scoop: 7 years' age difference did not increase the number of responses (contrary to the prelimary hypothesis), and in fact, the number of profile views is at this point exactly half the number of views of the actual-age match.com profile during the same time span.

The number of match.com emails from guys who might possibly be worthy of a meeting was exactly the same: 2. So in fact, the ratio of quality men to responses did improve, though the actual number of responses dropped in half.

Granted, the "fresh meat" factor may have contributed to the higher response rate in the previous month, when your correspondent's profile first went up (with her actual age). (Online daters tend to flock to new profiles like flies to honey, whereas they avoid older ones as if they were milk cartons past their pull date.) A new experiment would be required to test if the "fresh meat" theory actually made a difference in this case, but your correspondent is frankly sick and tired of this particular experiment, and is looking forward to being her actual age again.

(In other words, if you want to test the theory yourself, run your own damn experiment.)

The not-so scientific summary of the data

Totally unscientific lessons learned from this experiment:

If you're interested in quantity of profile views, winks, hotlists and emails, a tasteful black and white nude art photo on AFF will net dramatically better results than an attractive face pic on match.com
If you're interested in the quality of responses, match.com will return a higher ratio than AFF (duh)
If you're interested in pure (though admittedly raunchy) entertainment value, and you don't mind unsolicited pee-pee pics and tasteless, frequently illiterate replies, AFF is the way to go
For all intents and purposes, it sure as hell looks like 7 years doesn't make a damn bit of positive difference in terms of response rate. (At age 43, at least.)

In other words, ladies, stop whining that it's your age, and get up on AFF if you want a flood of email in your box.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to take down this stale profile, make some edits, and put it back up in a few weeks to take advantage of the "fresh meat" factor once again.

Over and out.

Results (Age posted on profile) Time period of data collection	match.com (43) 30 days	match.com (36) 4 weeks	aff.com (43) 4 weeks
emails received	8-10(?)	6 (plus 1 more from a winker who was then sent a "thanks for the wink" email)	84
emails from guys who might possibly be worthy of a meeting	2 (One of which was from a guy who'd gone out with your correspondent a few years ago)	2	1 (Your correspondent did receive 2 additional emails that warranted replies for the sole purpose of lively, intellectual conversation. Seriously.)
winks/flirts received	8-10(?)	7	126
favorited/hotlisted	unknown	5 (hotlisted by a new guy, unhotlisted by another, for a total change of 0 this past week)	99
views	418	209	5,329 (1,826 in the past week) (18,599 total views since 7/29/2008, though the profile has only been active less than 7 months during that time)

Tagged as: adult friend finder, adult friendfinder, aff, cyber dating, internet dating, match.com, online dating No Comments

16May/100

Resentment: A Tool for Setting Limits

"I had a guy over on date #5, and things went farther than I really wanted. I mean, my body was into it, but emotionally, I wasn't entirely comfortable. Plus he got his rocks off (twice!), but didn't do much to make sure I was satisfied. It left me really frustrated and honestly kind of disgusted. Now he's pulled a disappearing act. What kind of sick behavior is that? What a jerk!"

"I was dating this really sweet guy who wasn't very sexually experienced. It was kind of fun getting to be the 'experienced woman.' Then one night after we'd been dating for awhile I decided I was ready to go all the way, but when we got back to my place after a long evening out I was really tired and just didn't feel like it after all. I was so afraid of disappointing him, though, that I let things roll along, even though I really didn't want to. The whole experience was really annoying, and now I'm sort of irritated with him, even though he didn't actually do anything wrong."

Resentment: anger at someone else... or yourself?

The examples above are from real people, and they have one thing in common: resentment. One of the things I discovered during my years of dating for personal growth was that resentment tells you a lot more about you than it does about the person you resent.

In fact, it's not about them at all, much as it feels like it is; it's about you. The truth is, resentment is really anger at yourself, misdirected at someone else, through the lens of victimhood.

Let me repeat that:

Resentment is anger at yourself, misdirected at someone else, through the lens of victimhood.

I first had this revelation when I let a guy I was totally unattracted to kiss me on a first date. He asked if he could kiss me, and although I really didn't want him to, I didn't quite know how to say no (tool #1 in your dating tool box, ladies!) Maybe I was afraid of hurting his feelings. Regardless, I left the date feeling annoyed with him, and resentful for making me kiss him!

But wait – he didn't make me kiss him; he asked if he could kiss me and I gave him permission.

CLICK!

Suddenly I realized that, underneath it all, my anger wasn't actually at him – he was merely following the limits that I had established. I was really angry at myself for not setting the limits I really wanted to set. Sure, I was afraid of hurting his feelings, but in trying to cushion his feelings I totally neglected my own, and then I felt angry at him!

Although I felt like I was a victim here, the fact was he hadn't forced me to kiss him; he'd asked me permission, like a true gentleman, and I had granted it. And then, because it's a helluva lot easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility, I resented him.

In truth, I've experienced variations on this theme more times than I care to admit. But that particular "CLICK!" on that particular date made me suddenly aware of how I wasn't taking responsibility for setting limits.

Resentment as a useful tool

Now, whenever I feel the edge of resentment gnawing at my consciousness, I stop and ask myself what I'm really angry about. Invariably I'm actually annoyed because someone stepped over a boundary that I didn't effectively set. I have to redirect the blame at myself, which isn't fun, but it's pretty darn useful if you're interested in getting out of stuck and growing as a person.

Resentment then becomes a tool to help figure out where I need to work on limit-setting in my life. Handy!

Try it sometime. You may find, as I have, that once you reassign your annoyance at the person who deserves it (ie, yourself), the resentment just dissolves.

You've still got to set the limits, though. No way around it. But I guarantee that if you do, the time you spend stewing in resentment will dramatically decrease.

Dating is such a great tool for self-growth precisely because it forces you to set limits for yourself (unless you want to spend a lot of time stewing in resentment). And setting limits in your dating life is great training for setting limits in every other area in your life!

Give it a try.

Tagged as: limit-setting, limits, resentment, setting limits No Comments

11May/100

The Great Age Experiment: Week 3

Week 3 Update

(Click here to read parts one, two and three in this series.)

ATTENTION ALL SINGLE WOMEN. If you are lamenting your lack of dates and blaming it on your advanced age, you may have to find another scapegoat.

We are now 3 weeks into a 4-week experiment, and although initial response to your correspondent's younger profile was slightly up from the same time span in the previous month, at this stage in the game the numbers have been reversed!

To hold steady with last month's response rate, profile views would need to be at around the 300 mark, and yet we're at a dismal 189.

Granted, since the profile in question (less the age change) has been up for just a week shy of two full months now, your correspondent may have hit profile-view-saturation, a common syndrome in the online dating world. The first few days and up to a week typically bring a flurry of responses, which dry up over time.

Online daters in the know will reveal that the most effective strategy is to put a profile up for a few weeks, max, then take it down for a few weeks or months, to capitalize on the "fresh meat" syndrome.

For the purposes of this experiment, however, your correspondent's profile is staying up, unchanged, for the full 30 days. (Let it be said that edits are waiting to be performed, and will be done just soon as the experiment concludes. Or as soon as she feels like putting up a profile again.)

Another 9 days to go. Watch for another report in about a week.

Results (Age posted on profile) Time period of data collection	match.com (43) 30 days	match.com (36) 3 weeks	aff.com (43) 3 weeks
emails received	8-10(?)	5 (plus 1 more from a winker who was then sent a "thanks for the wink" email)	74
emails from guys who might possibly be worthy of a meeting	2 (One of which was from a guy who'd gone out with your correspondent a few years ago)	2	1 (Your correspondent did receive 2 additional emails that warranted replies for the sole purpose of lively, intellectual conversation. Seriously.)
winks/flirts received	8-10(?)	7	113
favorited/hotlisted	unknown	5	90
views	418	189	4,614 (1,826 in the past week) (17,728 total views since 7/29/2008, though the profile has only been active less than 6 months during that time)

Filed under: Dating No Comments

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