On Boyfriends, Skill, Desire and Following Your Bliss (Which You May Have Thought Was His Bliss, Not Yours)

Funny: at some point in my dating life I noticed that I drew men to me who had a skill I wanted. I admired it in them, and thought I needed to have them in order to have it in my life. It took me a long time to finally realize that maybe what I wanted was not a boyfriend who could do the thing; maybe I wanted to have the thing for myself, maybe I actually wanted to do the thing, not just enjoy somebody else doing it.

A friend of mine, for example, had a boyfriend who serenaded her with his guitar. Oh, how I wanted a man who would play guitar for me! It seemed so incredibly important to have that! I must be a powerful spirit, because Shazam! - my next boyfriend played guitar, dreamily. Even better, he inspired me to pick it up myself.

The boyfriend didn't last long, but I still play guitar (well, actually, I mostly don't play guitar, but that's a topic for another post). Turns out the skill I admired in him was not something I wanted in a boyfriend, it was something I wanted for myself! The boyfriend part was just frosting.

I later had another boyfriend who played guitar, and also wrote amazing songs for me to sing. Heaven! I got so spoiled. I thought I'd never be able to tolerate a boyfriend who wasn't also a talented musician and songwriter! But after we broke up I started writing my own songs, and realized that I actually get to have this particular skill for myself, not just through a man.

Then there was the writer boyfriend. Before I accidentally became an artist and calligrapher, I was actually trying to be a writer. (Truth be told, not much writing went on at that particular point in my life, which has a lot to do with how I ended up accidentally becoming an artist and calligrapher, but that's a topic for another post.) I read in some book about writing that writers need to carry pocket notebooks around with them at all times, and write in them frequently. This planted the idea in my head that if someone carried a pocket notebook around and actually wrote in it, then that person was a real writer. I sometimes carried a pocked notebook, but rarely wrote anything in it except the occasional journal entry or morning pages while traveling. Clearly I was not a real writer, and despite the fact that I'd earned A's for my writing all through school/college/grad school, my budding identity as a writer faded away before it had a chance to grow. Years later I met the boyfriend, who was never without his pocket notebook, and was always scribbling in it, plus he actually made his living from his writing! He (unlike me) was a real writer.

After we broke up I found myself constantly running for my pocket notebook, bursting with ideas that I absolutely needed to put on paper! I started blogging more regularly and taking my writing more seriously. Writing was suddenly becoming a Passion, a Bliss! I hadn't written this much since college and grad school! Turns out maybe I was a writer all along, just waiting for this guy to come along to show me what I wanted, and then to get out of my life so I could get on with it!

Granted, I may never be as skilled as these former boyfriends at their various pursuits, because it takes time and commitment to develop creative skills, and for better or worse, as an inveterate Renaissance woman I choose to invest my time in lots of things, not just one. (Again, topic for another post.) But one of the lessons I've learned (age is a wonderful thing) is that I don't need to be The Best at something to get huge enjoyment from it. I don't need to be World Class or even Spectacularly Great. I just need to own it as mine. In following my Blisses, ala Joseph Campbell, I've learned to trust that they will lead me in the right direction. The key thing is finding my authentic voice in that particular Bliss.

Which is, again, the topic for another post...

Have you ever magnetized a man into your life, only to realize that what your spirit really wanted was to learn a skill he possessed?

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