Book Review: The Four Man Plan by Cindy Lu

The Four Man Plan: The Book

I stumbled upon The Four Man Plan while cruising online dating sites one night. "Are you single?" the banner ad flashed, "Very, very single? If you want to find the ONE man... You need to be dating FOUR men!"

Huh?

I clicked through, read a bit more, and watched video excerpts from the one-woman show that inspired the book.

The author/actress was a crack-up, and while I didn't expect to really learn anything useful from the book, I figured the $16 cover price would be worth it for the entertainment value alone, so I handed over my credit card.

The Four Man Plan did, indeed prove to be highly entertaining, but what really surprised me was how brilliant Lu's system turned out to be. I've never been the evangelizing type, but I have to admit I've told more women about this book than I can count. It's not for everyone, but if what you've been doing to find a mate hasn't been working for you, and if you're ready and willing to try something new, I highly recommend opening your mind and reading this book.

In a nutshell, Lu offers a system that looks remarkably like the way my mom dated in the 50s: spend time getting to know lots of different men at the same time. There's much more to it than that, but that's the core of the Plan. I'll elaborate in a moment, but let's first address this key concept.

Having grown up post-Sexual Revolution, the idea of dating more than one guy at a time was completely foreign to me. Anathema, even. My mom now tells me that she thought my friends and I were all nuts, trying to partner up with one person right away without first "shopping around" and dating several.

But in my generation, dating implied sex, even if you weren't actually having any, and anything that smacked remotely of "sleeping around" would get you labeled as a slut so fast it would make your head spin.

One of the things Lu discovered in her own journey (which she shares in the first section of the book) was that, contrary to her belief that the way to snare a man is to throw your ankles behind your ears at the earliest opportunity, in fact, waiting for sex actually made men respect her more and treat her better.

Wow!

And sleeping around made men disrespect her (she calls it having "penis cooties"), plus it did not make her feel good about herself.

So Lu set out to codify the lessons she was learning into a system, the Four Man Plan (or 4MP), based on honesty, open-mindedness and respect. As she said in an interview with Singles365,

The Four Man Plan changes your perspective and turns dating into an absolute soul searching pleasure, because it takes the focus away from finding a lifelong partner to deciding what it is you really want.

When you start the Four Man Plan, you’ll find your perspective changes.  Dating isn’t about the hunt for one incredible man, it’s about being the most amazing woman that you are in any situation and falling in love with yourself.

On page 6 of the book Lu outlines reasonable expectations for any gal who gives the 4MP a college try:

• Raise your self-esteem
• Choose and encourage men of quality and honor
• Become the selector, not the selectee
• Find emotional balance
• Update a long-malfunctioning system of love
• Make single life way more fun

The 4MP is based on the idea that men are wired to compete for mates, whereas women... well, although competition brings out a man's inner chivalry, competition for men turns us into obsessive raving maniacs.

Look at the animal kingdom: it's always the males who are fighting and preening, trying to atract the females. Somehow in our species the mating ritual has been turned on on its head, with women out-sleezing each other to try and snag a guy, and men becoming lazy mofos, like zoo lions feasting on prepackaged meat.

What they want is the thrill of the hunt!

To that end, one of the rules of the Plan is that every man you're dating must know, by the end of the 2nd date at the latest, that you're also dating other people.

This is the hardest aspect of the Plan for most women to put into action, but in my personal experience (and honey, I dated 57 men in a 2 1/2 year period), most guys don't even flinch. In fact, knowing that you're also seeing other guys takes the pressure off, because they don't expect you to "poke them with your ring finger or fallopian tube," as Lu puts it. What a relief!

Lu again:

Letting men know that you’re dating but not sleeping with other men does a number of critical things.  It lets the men know they are competing and if there is one thing men know how to do, it’s compete!

Suddenly, armed with the knowledge that they are one of a number of choices, they become more chivalrous, more interested and more honest about their own situation.

If they aren’t interested, they simply fall away with no drama – but if they are keen, it makes it crucial that at some point they will have to request, rather than assume exclusivity.

These days, in the world of internet dating, it’s almost assumed that all parties are “shopping.”  But serial monogamy, indiscriminate sex and obsessive husband hunting has gotten more and more common, so it’s important to let your men know that you aren’t that kind of girl!

The 4MP is filled with all sorts of math-related hypotheses and postulates, and I found the tongue-in-cheek "scientific" metaphor a hoot. Lu's writing style is raunchy and sharp, filled with laugh-out-loud humor. It's a quick read (I read the entire book in a couple of hours during one insomniac night), but don't let its breeziness fool you: the system Lu offers is sound, and could transform dating for you from a dreaded exercise into a fun way to find yourself while looking for love.

It sure did for me!

The Four Man Plan: The Fourum

The Four Man Plan Forum (www.thefourmanplan.com)

To really get the most out of the 4MP, I recommend getting involved on the 4MP forum (Fourum), where women of all ages and backgrounds share their dating adventures, fears and concerns. Insights gleaned from other 4MPlanners can be invaluable, and sometimes Cindy Lu herself pops in with advice or encouragement.

For me, the Fourum was like a journal that talked back. The Plan on its own is great, but combined with the support and feedback from the Fourum it was turbocharged growth.

Tell 'em I sent you!

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You may also like:

Author Interview: Cindy Lu of The Four Man Plan

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Have you ever dated more than one guy at a time?

Were you honest about it with them, or did you hide it?

What was that experience like for you?

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