Book Review: The Dating Queen’s Must-Read Breakup Books for Single Women

Okay, you may think it odd that I'm reviewing books about breakups. You're looking to start a relationship, not end one, right? But here's the thing: until you clean up your breakup baggage, it will continue to weigh down any subsequent relationships (and we're talking weighing them down like that old, heavy, wheel-less suitcase set your grandma had, not a spiffy gore-tex carry-on with inline skate wheels and extensible handle).

These two books (+ blog) will help you understand why you operate the way you do, and even more to the point, they'll help you avoid repeating the same mistakes again.

Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours
by Daphne Rose Kingma

Required reading for the savvy single, Daphne Rose Kingma's thesis is that people are drawn to each other to accomplish certain "developmental tasks." When those tasks are complete, sometimes the relationship has served its purpose and is no longer useful. We've been programmed to view a break-up as the failure of a relationship, but Kingma shifts the paradigm.

Sometimes a relationship is genuinely beneficial for both parties, but only for a limited time. Yet our cultural fantasy of Prince Charmings, soul mates and "happily ever after leads us to feel that there's something wrong with us when a relationship doesn't last forever.

Kingma shifts attention away from blame, and toward healing and self-awareness. If you can figure out your developmental tasks, you'll have a better chance of entering your next relationship with a clear head, unmuddied by unconscious drives. Especially recommended are the extensive exercises, which can help you suss out your inner workings and avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future.

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened To You
by Susan Elliott

Another book aimed at the recently heartbroken, Elliott's compilation of writings from her blog (see #3 below) offers sensible advice and exercises for dealing with pain and loss, along with tools for developing self-esteem, setting boundaries, and generally becoming happy with yourself and your life.

(My favorite Elliott axiom: maintain No Contact with your ex, including staying OFF your ex's Facebook, MySpace, Blog, etc. Why? Ask yourself: "Does it hurt when you do that?" If so, the answer is clear: "Don't do that!")

Elliott focuses on how to move on and be content on your own, reasoning that when you put time and effort into building your own life and being happy alone, you'll attract similar people, both friends and lovers. "On the flip side, if you can't stand the aloneness or think you have to be in a relationship to be socially accepted, you are always going to settle for less." Indeed, if you can't tolerate being single, it's just a matter of time before you end up in another lousy relationship.

Elliott gives directions for taking care of yourself – setting goals, affirmations, journaling, gratitude lists – and for making things easier for your children. The Relationship and Life Inventories are especially recommended as tools to help understand why you may be falling for clones of the same jerk over and over. Throughout, she uses her own story as an example of how it is indeed possible to rise up from the pit of despair to create a healthy, joyful life, and yes, to find love again.

Getting Past Your Past: Getting Past Your Breakup and Becoming the Best Person You Can Be! (gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.org)
by Susan Elliott

If you'd like to check out Susan Elliott's writing before buying the book, or just as an ongoing support tool, visit her blog. Many of the sections in the book started out as blog posts, and Elliott writes new (or recycles popular old) posts daily. There are also check-in threads every few days, where readers can post how they're doing and reply to others.

(It's rather cumbersome, being in a blog post/comment format and not actual forum software, but dialogues do occur, and insights from other readers can be quite useful.)

Elliott also offers one-on-one therapy as well as GPYP bootcamps in her hometown of New York.

--

Did you take time to process your last relationship after it ended? What did you learn?

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.