Online Dating and the Age Question

Have you ever posted a profile online and lied about your age?

When I first tried out online dating, I was in my early 30s, and age didn't seem to be an issue. But as I approached the big four-oh things seemed to change.

Sure, my profile went through multiple variations, and photos came and went, but I was blessed with young-looking genes, and underneath it all I was the same person.

Yet each time I'd get back online during a single spell my response rate dramatically declined.

At first, there was the ticking biological clock. It's an unpleasant feeling knowing that you're being assessed primarily as a breeder, only secondarily as a partner. I've been on that date more than once.

Now, however, I'm no longer interested in breeding, and I'm of an age where most of the men in my cohort have either already done their procreating, or they've made the decision to keep the family jewels in check (sometimes surgically – which is, I must confess, always a bonus!)

Of course there are plenty of men out there in their 40s and 50s who still want to see their oats sprout, whether wildly or not, but it's not hard finding guys in this age range who don't want kids.

So why the dramatic decline in interest?

I was left to wonder if was mostly due to my age. It's possible that I wrote less compelling profile bios over time, but that seems unlikely.

From what I could tell, the only things that really changed were 1) my expressed desire not to have kids, and 2) the number attached to my age.

For years I fantasized about performing an experiment: put up two profiles, identical but for my stated age. Would it make a difference, I wondered?

The problem was, I'm a pathologically honest person.

(Well, not quite true, though I had to write it because the idea of being pathologically honest just cracks me up. I confess I've told my share of "white lies." And one time I talked myself out of a ticket with a darn good acting job. And then there was the time when I was six, and I did god-knows-what that really pissed off my mom, and as punishment she forbade me from watching The Brady Bunch, and in a precocious attempt at reverse psychology I tried to convince her that I actually hated The Brady Bunch, and the worst punishment she could give me would be to make me watch the show.

It didn't work.)

With 57 dates in 2 1/2 years, and dozens more during single spells in previous years, I've encountered my share of men who lied about their age, and it always bugged me. Even if they disclosed their true age in their bio. I understood why they did it – to show up in searches, of course – but it still bugged me.

A relationship needs to be built on honesty. Period.

No, I didn't automatically reject the age-fudgers, but let's just say it left a bad taste in my mouth.

And the idea of lying myself? Cringe. Wince.

If I met a guy I was really interested in, our relationship would have started with a lie, and that really bugged me.

Some people lie about their age, then disclose the truth within the profile bio, and I thought about doing that. The problem was it would defeat the purpose of the experiment; if my age were really the turn-off, sharing it in my bio would send them away just as surely as sharing it in elsewhere.

So alas, my hypothesis remained untested.

Until now.

That's right, a few days ago I had a paradigm shift. It suddenly occurred to me that, now that I have a blog, I could approach the experiment as a journalist, with the larger purpose of gathering info for my readers (not that there are many, but there are a few of you out there).

Somehow this simple change in perspective allowed me to feel okay about lying. After all, I'm doing it in the service of Science. Instead of just confessing that I'd lied about my age, which is, if you think about it, pretty much the same as confessing to be a narcissist, I'd have an external reason. And a potential conversation-starter at that.

I'm running an experiment. I'm a journalist.

Of course, it could still turn men off. And the fact that I've got a dating blog might scare some away.

But thankfully, I'm in a rare state of non-urgency around dating. (It helps that I've already got some men in my orbit, a la The Four Man Plan.) If the guys who email me during the duration of this experiment get turned off, c'est la vie.

So. Let's talk data.

My pre-age-deception-experiment profile was up on match for one month. In the past 30 days I received 418 views (or possibly 207; match.com has multiple places that show this data, and they are frustratingly inconsistent). Unfortunately, I deleted some emails and winks long before I decided to run this experiment, so I don't have an exact count, but my best guess is 8-10 emails and about the same number of winks.

So far, less than 24 hours into the experiment, I've received one email. (Ironically enough, from a 47-year old whose preferred age range is 25-45, which I'm well within.) I'll send him a reply momentarily.

Stay tuned. Over the next 30 days, the answer to The Age Question may be revealed once and for all.

Have you ever lied about your age?

Did it get you the result you wanted?

Did you feel weird about it?

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