Ask the Dating Queen: Fears, Frankenstein and some cool TDQ aphorisms

Part of an ongoing, periodic series in which the illustrious Dating Queen (that being me) draws on her vast dating experience to answer the questions of readers in the most queenly of fashions.

In other words, I'll blather on about what I think, and you're free to take it or leave it.

No, I'm not a therapist, but I've done a lot of dating (seriously, in one 2 1/2 year stretch I dated 57 men, which by default makes me something of an expert), and I've got me some opinions, which I'm oh, so happy to share.

Wanna play? Just click here and send me your question. I can't promise an answer to every question I receive, but I'll respond to your email regardless.

Now, onto today's question!

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Subj: Ohhh Dating Guru.....!

Ok- there is this guy on match...he is German, seems really cool, I think we have a lot in common....why am i so scared...almost don't want to meet up with him!

• And iz it okay to write within a couple of hours of receiving their response...or should one wait?
• He is already asking if I want to go to the beach with him and or an art gallery and we have only traded three emails..is that okay?
• Waz Frankenstein German? Could he use me in a science experiement?
• AM WAY TOO SCARED TO DATE ANYONE; THAT IS WHY I AM PERPETUALLY SINGLE - and I can't spell! :(

Help Dating Guru - HELP

Signed,
German-a-fied!

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Dear German-a-fied,

Ah, yes, it sounds like the old I'm-really-interested-in-this-guy-and-I-really-want-him-to-be-The-One-and-I'll-be-so-bummed-out-if-he-doesn't-like-me syndrome. In cases like this, feeling scared is perfectly normal.

What to do about it? Ignore it.

The Dating Queen's prescription for this particular syndrome is to date as much as you possibly can. Not just this guy, but anyone who'll ask you out. Set your inner moderator on "Yes," and go out with every guy who invites you — short, tall, thin, fat, rich, poor. That way, when you go out on a date you're more likely to approach it as a potentially interesting and hopefully-at-least-mildly-enjoyable experience, rather than a high stakes interview.

The goal is to get you to go into each date feeling curious and interested to find out who this person is and whether you like him, not stressed and anxious about whether he's going to like you.

Remember, you are assessing him. You are looking for the right guy for you. If he's not interested in you it actually says nothing about you; it just tells you he's not the right guy. (And naturally it says a lot about his poor taste. His loss.)

"And iz it okay to write within a couple of hours of receiving their response...or should one wait?"

I'm not a believer in game-playing, so if you're at your computer and the urge strikes, I say write him back! Those initial exchanges can be a lot of fun.

Just be aware that if you want to know who someone really is, let alone whether there's any chemistry, you've got to spend time with him in 3-D. (And since guys tend to get really nervous on a first date, which sometimes makes them act totally weird, unless he's clearly icky or married or otherwise inappropriate, I subscribe to a Two Date Minimum, as described in the Four Man Plan.)

Here's the thing: the only thing you can learn about a guy from email is that he gives good email.

Same with phone: the only thing you can learn about a guy from a phone call is that he gives good phone.

Sure, you can learns facts about someone, and you can read (or listen) between the lines to intuit whether the guy's a nutcase (very good to know before you meet at Starbucks), but whether he's a match for you? Uh uh. You're not gonna get that info from email or phone.

"He is already asking if I want to go to the beach with him and or an art gallery and we have only traded three emails..is that okay?"

Lovely! You've got an invitation! My recommendation (and personal M.O.) is to meet up as soon as reasonably possible, and it sounds like Mr. German Guy may have the same (obviously brilliant) M.O. Why invest more emotional energy than necessary on email and phone when the chances you'll really float each other's boats are, let's face it, rather slim?

This guy may turn out to be your Prince Charming (and I'd be the first to cheer if he does), but right now he's just some guy. One of the thousands of guys out there who might hold initial appeal. Don't stress over it; just see it for what it is: a first date.

Remember, the only real purpose for a first date is to see if there's mutual interest in a second date. Period.

If either of his suggestions appeal to you, go for it! If you're concerned about whether you'll hit it off enough to warrant a "real" date, you can always suggest a quick "meet'n'greet" date at Starbucks first, and if all goes well, schedule the beach or art gallery for your next date.

"Waz Frankenstein German? Could he use me in a science experiement?"

I believe Frankenstein was German. I actually read Mary Shelley's novel years ago, but must confess I can't honestly remember. It's possible he was Austrian or Swiss, and I'm too lazy right now to look it up on Wikipedia.

However, unless Mr. German Guy were super crafty, he probably couldn't use you in a science experiment without your consent. And he wouldn't be able to turn you into an animated corpse (which is what Frankenstein's monster was) unless you were dead. And for the record, The Dating Queen always advises that if you think someone is going to try to make you dead, run the other way, fast.

This is one reason why I also advise to always meet a new person in a well-lit public area where lots of people are around, no matter how un-Frankenstein-like they may seem. (And of course, never give out personal information like your address or a traceable phone number. Cell phones are safer than land lines for this reason, and TDQ's phones are set on ID blocking, much to the annoyance of friends and family. I also advise having a separate, web-based email account for online dating. The usual stuff.)

"AM WAY TOO SCARED TO DATE ANYONE; THAT IS WHY I AM PERPETUALLY SINGLE - and I can't spell! :("

As to the first part, if you want to not be perpetually single, you are going to have to learn to (in the words of Susan Jeffers) feel the fear and do it anyway. This is where going out with men you're not particularly excited about can help!

First, you'll be desensitizing yourself to dating in general. And second, you may discover that guys you'd previously shunned are actually quite wonderful, and possibly better for you than the guys you tend to be drawn to. Think about it: the guys you've been attracted to in the past haven't exactly worked out in the long run, have they?

As to the second part, that's why God invented spell-check.

Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

Kisses,

The Dating Queen
aka The Dating Guru

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