The Dating Queen’s take on Values vs. Interests

"I love hiking and walking on the beach. Will you join me?"

"I love to dance — I'm looking for a good dance partner."

"I like bike riding, Mexican food, and nursing a beer with some good live music, but it's much better with someone to share."

Sound familiar? It seems like every online dating profile you look at talks about interests. It's all about what you like to do.

Of course it's nice to have common interests. I'm not immune to that desire. There was a brief time, after being spoiled by a 3-year relationship with a talented musician boyfriend, when one of my must-haves was musical chops. Okay, I'll be honest: I was looking for a jazz musician. Until I came to the conclusion that this pretty much limited my dating pool to the size of one of those inflatable kiddie wading units. Plus the fact (albeit a generalization) that musicians aren't known for being the most reliable characters.

But let's not go down that road.

What I'm interested in here is actually not interests: it's values.

You'll notice that very few profiles talk about values, yet if you think about it, common values are way more important in a relationship than common interests.

So what's the difference? Think of interests as what you like to do, and values as who you are.

My friend Fawn wrote a great post about interests and values recently. Which got me thinking about it, and how values and interests play out in my own life.

For example, I value fitness and health. My interests that support these values include long walks by the Bay and doing lots of yoga.

But the fact is, if I met someone who loved, say, bicycling and rock climbing, I could probably be fairly easily convinced to spend less time at my interests in order to join him in his interests, at least part of the time.

Hopefully he'd be willing to try out my interests too, but if not, we could probably still work it out. However, if I met someone who didn't share my value in a healthy, fit body, and who liked to spend his time watching TV, well, it probably wouldn't be a very good match.

I also value open, honest communication and commitment through thick and thin. All the affinity, compatibility and common interests in the world will never make up for a partner who bails when things get tough because he doesn't share my values. (I've learned this one the hard way.)

I've learned that I need to find out who someone is, not just what he likes to do.

How do you do that? People don't always express their values as clearly as their interests, so it behooves you to watch for warning signs and red flags, and pay attention!

If you value generosity, and you notice he's a stingy tipper, that may not be a good match.

If you value family, and he moved out of state from his kids and barely keeps in contact with them, he may not be the right guy for you, no matter how much fun you have with him.

If you value security and he's 45, with not a penny to his name and no plans to save or invest for the future, I wouldn't bet on a lifetime of happiness together.

If you value honesty and maturity, and his stories of past relationships reveal a less than stellar record in this regard, let's just say that past results may indeed be an indicator of what you can expect in the future.

The important thing is to get very clear about what your values are. As my friend Fawn writes,

...my primary value these days is being clear about my values (and then sticking to them, come what may). And anyone who tempts me to violate them is someone I need not to let too far into my life — no matter how many interests we might have in common.

Amen, sister!

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.