Resentment: A Tool for Setting Limits
"I had a guy over on date #5, and things went farther than I really wanted. I mean, my body was into it, but emotionally, I wasn't entirely comfortable. Plus he got his rocks off (twice!), but didn't do much to make sure I was satisfied. It left me really frustrated and honestly kind of disgusted. Now he's pulled a disappearing act. What kind of sick behavior is that? What a jerk!"
--
"I was dating this really sweet guy who wasn't very sexually experienced. It was kind of fun getting to be the 'experienced woman.' Then one night after we'd been dating for awhile I decided I was ready to go all the way, but when we got back to my place after a long evening out I was really tired and just didn't feel like it after all. I was so afraid of disappointing him, though, that I let things roll along, even though I really didn't want to. The whole experience was really annoying, and now I'm sort of irritated with him, even though he didn't actually do anything wrong."
--
Resentment: anger at someone else... or yourself?
The examples above are from real people, and they have one thing in common: resentment. One of the things I discovered during my years of dating for personal growth was that resentment tells you a lot more about you than it does about the person you resent.
In fact, it's not about them at all, much as it feels like it is; it's about you. The truth is, resentment is really anger at yourself, misdirected at someone else, through the lens of victimhood.
Let me repeat that:
Resentment is anger at yourself, misdirected at someone else, through the lens of victimhood.
I first had this revelation when I let a guy I was totally unattracted to kiss me on a first date. He asked if he could kiss me, and although I really didn't want him to, I didn't quite know how to say no (tool #1 in your dating tool box, ladies!) Maybe I was afraid of hurting his feelings. Regardless, I left the date feeling annoyed with him, and resentful for making me kiss him!
But wait – he didn't make me kiss him; he asked if he could kiss me and I gave him permission.
CLICK!
Suddenly I realized that, underneath it all, my anger wasn't actually at him – he was merely following the limits that I had established. I was really angry at myself for not setting the limits I really wanted to set. Sure, I was afraid of hurting his feelings, but in trying to cushion his feelings I totally neglected my own, and then I felt angry at him!
Although I felt like I was a victim here, the fact was he hadn't forced me to kiss him; he'd asked me permission, like a true gentleman, and I had granted it. And then, because it's a helluva lot easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility, I resented him.
In truth, I've experienced variations on this theme more times than I care to admit. But that particular "CLICK!" on that particular date made me suddenly aware of how I wasn't taking responsibility for setting limits.
Resentment as a useful tool
Now, whenever I feel the edge of resentment gnawing at my consciousness, I stop and ask myself what I'm really angry about. Invariably I'm actually annoyed because someone stepped over a boundary that I didn't effectively set. I have to redirect the blame at myself, which isn't fun, but it's pretty darn useful if you're interested in getting out of stuck and growing as a person.
Resentment then becomes a tool to help figure out where I need to work on limit-setting in my life. Handy!
Try it sometime. You may find, as I have, that once you reassign your annoyance at the person who deserves it (ie, yourself), the resentment just dissolves.
You've still got to set the limits, though. No way around it. But I guarantee that if you do, the time you spend stewing in resentment will dramatically decrease.
Dating is such a great tool for self-growth precisely because it forces you to set limits for yourself (unless you want to spend a lot of time stewing in resentment). And setting limits in your dating life is great training for setting limits in every other area in your life!
Give it a try.
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
On Gratitude: Finding Appreciation for the Gifts Your Ex Gave You (Even If He Was a Total Jerk)
Lately I've been meditating on gratitude for my "failed" relationships. I've learned many lessons and gained many gifts from each and every relationship I've ever had.
Sometimes the biggest gift was finally figuring out the person was just NOT THE RIGHT GUY FOR ME.
And you know what, even if you can't think of anything else from a relationship to be grateful for, that's not to be sneezed at.
Attitude of gratitude, baby!
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
Yes, Virginia, Being Single CAN Be Sweet
So here's the deal: since my last relationship ended I have been on fire with creative inspiration. I created this blog, I started another blog, Living A Creative Life (because, let's face it, I may not always be compelled to write about dating, but I can pretty much guarantee that creativity, and living a creative life, will always be compelling to me), I made a bunch of new art and put it up on my Zazzle shop, and I made a commitment to myself to really go for the life I really, really want, to follow my evolving Bliss (or, in my case, my evolving Blisses).
And guess what. All that crap you hear about "Oh, just go out and live your life and do what you love to do, and you'll be happy without a man"? Well, it's true. Because – get this – for at least three days, I totally forgot to check my online dating sites.
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
On Boyfriends, Skill, Desire and Following Your Bliss (Which You May Have Thought Was His Bliss, Not Yours)
Funny: at some point in my dating life I noticed that I drew men to me who had a skill I wanted. I admired it in them, and thought I needed to have them in order to have it in my life. It took me a long time to finally realize that maybe what I wanted was not a boyfriend who could do the thing; maybe I wanted to have the thing for myself, maybe I actually wanted to do the thing, not just enjoy somebody else doing it.
A friend of mine, for example, had a boyfriend who serenaded her with his guitar. Oh, how I wanted a man who would play guitar for me! It seemed so incredibly important to have that! I must be a powerful spirit, because Shazam! - my next boyfriend played guitar, dreamily. Even better, he inspired me to pick it up myself.
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
How Dating Helped Me Learn to Set Boundaries (and Five Steps for Establishing Yours)
A few weeks into The Four Man Plan I went on a lunch date with a guy I had no attraction to. Okay, I'll be honest – I was kind of physically repulsed by him. Yet after lunch, when he asked if he could kiss me, I didn't have a clear enough compass to tell him "no." I let him kiss me (ew), all the time thinking "Ew, I really don't want to be doing this," but still I didn't stop him. Then, after he'd pulled away, to my horror he stepped in again for another kiss (double-ew!), asking cursory permission, which, I'm embarrassed to say, I granted again, even though I seriously did not want those lips anywhere near mine. Ew, ew, ewwww!
When I finally got in my car and drove away I was thoroughly disgusted with myself! How did I let that happen? Clearly I needed to work on my boundaries! Because I let this guy kiss me the first time, he presumed he had permission for a second time, and now saying "no" became that much more of an ordeal. Much better to say no at the start! Oh, I had some work to do!
I'm grateful to Mr. Repulsive for helping me realize that I needed boundary-setting help, but my biggest problem, more than actually learning to say no, was figuring out what I wanted. It may sound ridiculous,
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
Happiness and the Single Girl: the Secret to Making Yourself Irresistible
Single girls, do you love your life? Are you happy on your own? If you're not, I've got news for you: nobody's going to hand happiness to you on a platter. You are 100% responsible for your own life and happiness. Sure you want a partner – everyone does (with the exception of a few misanthropes and hermits) – we're wired that way. But does your happiness really depend on being in a relationship?
If so, you're in for a rough ride. Not only do relationships not always last (if you're here, you've probably already experienced the heartbreak of divorce, break-up, or death of a partner), but if you really cannot be happy on your own you will always feel held hostage, unable to leave a bad relationship, or desperate to get into the next one, despite the qualifications (or lack thereof) of the applicants.
Are you constantly trying to mold yourself into a package you think men will like? Well stop it! Until you figure out what you like, you'll never be happy, even if your contortions snag you Prince Charming himself. Think about it: do you seriously want to spend the rest of your life trying to live up to the picture you created of yourself to attract a man? Wouldn't you rather find a man who loves you for exactly who you are? Give yourself credit! You're an amazing, beautiful, unique individual, worthy of love and respect. But until you start treating yourself that way, nobody else will.
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
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