Book Review: The Dating Queen’s Favorite Books for Understanding and Loving Yourself (… and Men)

The first task of any woman seeking to find a true partner in life is to (you guessed it) find herself. You've probably heard it a million times: love yourself first. But the thing is, it's true.

Thankfully, there are some great resources for making the whole understanding yourself/loving yourself thing fun! Here are some of my faves.

Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts: Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way with the World
by Regena Tomashauer

I love Mama Gena. If you haven't heard of her, do yourself a favor and check out this book. You, it turns out, are a Sister Goddess, and your desires, your passions, your appetites, are not to be ignored. Quite the contrary! They are, in fact, critical to helping you reach your goals.

As the "Product Description" says on Amazon.com, "Relationship expert Regena Thomashauer teaches the lost 'womanly arts' of identifying your desires, having fun no matter where you are, knowing sensual pleasure, befriending your inner bitch, flirting (in a way that makes your day, not just his), and more -- because making pleasure your priority can actually help you reach your goals. So if you need a refresher course in fun -- and you know you do -- come to Mama."

(I've given this book to a couple of girlfriends, who loved it as well.)

Mama Gena's Owner's and Operator's Guide to Men
by Regena Tomashauer

Okay, this book may be better suited to the Understanding Men book review, but you really should read the School of Womanly Arts first, so it goes here.

If you like Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts, you'll probably also enjoy her Owner's and Operator's Guide to Men. Using the man-as-car metaphor, Mama Gena offers her inimitable advice on such matters as:

• Taking Control of the Wheel (if you want a great man, you're going to have to train him)

• Enjoying the Ride (the importance of paying attention to your own desires and pleasure)

• What's Under His Hood (a guided tour of the inner workings of a man's mind, which boils down to this: men live to serve women)

Mama Gena is saucy and sexy, and riding with her is a whole lot of fun. She presents a provocative paradigm that's totally foreign for many women: celebrate your passion and indulge your appetites to love your life!

A Fine Romance: The Passage of Courtship from Meeting to Marriage
by Judith Sills

It seems like all of the best books come to me through Fawn. Usually after the end of a relationship. This is one of those.

If you've ever wondered what the hell is going on when two people connect and fall in love (or connect, fall in love, then split apart), grab a copy of this book. Sills approaches the human mating ritual like a naturalist observing birds on the tundra.

It's fascinating!

One of the points that stuck with me the most is the idea of readiness as an essential ingredient for a relationship. I mean, duh, but how many times have I pined for someone who just wasn't ready? The fact is, he could be a great guy for you, the perfect guy for you, but if he's not ready, he's not the right guy for you. And of course it goes both ways: if he's ready and you're not, it's a no-go.

But Sills has a lot more to say than that. She breaks relationships into five stages: The Selection, The Seduction, The Switch, The Negotiation and The Commitment. She explains each stage, and offers examples of couples going through it to demonstrate variations in how it might play out.

Fawn loaned me this book right after the guy who had just won me promptly dropped me because he felt too strongly for me. (Huh?) Turns out this is classic (though rather extreme) Switch behavior: when the pursuer backs off just as their partner responds. (Joy of joys.)

Seriously, understanding what had happened didn't stop the heartache, but it did help.

I'd keep this one on your shelf as a reference to turn to again and again.

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What are your favorite books for understanding and loving yourself (and men)?

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