7 Reasons to Date More Than One Guy at a Time

When I was in high school and college, nobody really dated. You might go out with someone once or twice, but you pretty much decided up front whether to make a go of the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, and then either became "an item," or not.

And dating more than one person at a time? It just wasn't done.

In my mom's era, though, things were totally different. Things were lighter then, it seems. You went out with lots of different people – to the drive-in, the soda shop, or wherever it was young adults went in those days.

You got to know lots of different guys before you went steady with one of them.

Apparently, my mom thought the whole hook-up-with-one-person-right-away dating M.O. of my youth was nuts, and decades after the fact, I'm now inclined to agree with her.

I didn't come to this conclusion easily, however. I remember, years ago, talking to a girlfriend who confessed she'd dated two men at the same time for awhile, and I was shocked! Not to mention very, very curious.

How did it work?

Did the guys know about each other?

Did she sleep with both of them?

Wasn't it emotionally confusing?

I seriously did not think I could ever do this myself.

But that was before I picked up The Four Man Plan, by Cindy Lu.

Retro-Dating: A New (Old) Approach

Lu presents an alternate approach to the quest for a mate, which says that in order to find the one man who's right for her, a girl should always be dating four men... at the same time!

It's a bit more complex than that, and the number of men on the radar is really not necessarily four (read my review for more details), but the upshot is to date more than one at the same time.

Lest you fear that 4MPlanning is a deceptive, sneaky tactic, let me assure you that part of the deal is complete honesty: you must make it very clear to every guy you're seeing that he is not the only one.* You are getting to know lots of different people at the same time.

Caveat: dating more than one man at the same time does not mean sleeping with more than one man at the same time. In fact, if you're following the rules of The Four Man Plan, you are explicitly not allowed to sleep with more than one guy at a time.

I suspect that my generation's squeamishness about dating lots of guys at once is because I'm of a post-Sexual Revolution generation, in which it's generally sort of assumed that if you're dating someone, you must be sleeping together. Whereas in my mom's era the opposite was true: birth control was unpredictable, the morés were different, and although some people were having sex, it was assumed that you weren't. Dating implied nothing more than getting to know someone.

This, I propose, is a vastly superior way to approach dating! Hooray for retro-dating!

So, why date more than one?

Having followed The Four Man Plan almost to the letter for a year and a half (and having dated over 45 men during that time [there's a reason I'm The Dating Queen]), I consider myself something of an authority on the benefits of this way of dating.

However, if you're feeling a bit uncomfortable with the dating more than one guy thing, I understand – I've been there! To ease your transition, here are 7 reasons why dating more than one guy at a time is a really good idea:

1) It keeps you from obsessing

Admit it, you've been in that oh-so-crazy-making place of obsessing over some guy, wondering if he's going to call, wondering if he's dating someone else. My own obsessions were frequently with guys I didn't even like. But because he was the only guy on my radar, I'd start obsessing about him!

I don't know if it's hardwired into the female brain, but I don't know any woman who hasn't had this experience.

If you're dating more than one guy, however, obsession is less likely to get you in its grip. You're simply not as liable to stress over what the guy from Tuesday's date is thinking/feeling/doing if you've got a date with someone else on Friday.

Magic!

2) You get to compare and contrast

Be honest: you want to find the best match for you, right? You want someone who is going to treat you like the queen you are, someone honest, loving and willing. (And of course it wouldn't suck if he's hot, too.)

But how do you tell if a guy's the best match for you if you never compare him to other guys? If you couple up right away, you never really know for sure if you've picked Mr. Right, or Mr. Best-Thing-That-Was-Available-At-The-Time.

No matter what anyone might tell you, no matter what the latest media sensation might claim, settling sucks.

And believe me, he doesn't want to feel like the default selection. Would you?

When you're juggling multiple dates, taking your time to get to know several guys at once, you get to really experience each guy for who he is, and how he treats you.

Maybe Guy A is a great kisser, but is always late to pick you up, and interrupts you constantly; while Guy B is really shy, but arranges everything around your comfort and happiness; and Guy C is TOTALLY HOT, but arrogant as shit.

While you may notice a guy's qualities, I can tell you from experience that they stand out a helluva lot more clearly when you've got side-by-side comparisons!

Sometimes it's even useful to keep dating a guy you know doesn't treat you as well as you'd like – what Lu calls an Icky – because when you're dating other guys as well you'll be more likely to see his icky behavior for what it is.

And quite possibly even get yourself out of a long-term habit of falling for Mr. Wrong.

In any case, with side-by-side comparisons you're in a much better position to put your energy into a guy who's really going to be right for you, instead of wasting another big chunk of your life (admit it, you've done this more than once) on Mr. Best-Thing-That-Was-Available-At-The-Time.

3) You're less likely to jump in too fast

How often have you jumped into a relationship, only to realize a few weeks or months down the road that things are not all as rosy as you'd thought in the first blush of infatuation? But by this time you're both invested, so you spend tons of energy trying to make things work.

Don't get me wrong: a relationship will always require work – that's the nature of the beast – but if you're working too hard, it ain't working!

When I look back at my long-term relationships, I seriously doubt whether I'd have ended up with most of them if I'd been dating lots of other guys at the same time. First of all, I wouldn't have been in such a rush to pair off with the first guy I felt an ounce of chemistry with. And second of all, I think I would have been more likely to notice – and flag – the areas that would become ongoing issues.

Keeping things light, and moving slowly, helps prevent I Jumped In Too Soon/LTR Regret Syndrome, and when you're dating lots of guys, and just enjoying the experience of dating – without concentrating on getting your M.R.S. or finding a baby-daddy – this is much easier to do.

4) You cultivate an abundance mindset

Oh, how we women love to complain about the dearth of good men. "They all suck," is the constant refrain.

Sometimes it really does feel that way, but in fact, there are really great guys out there! I've been on dates with a lot of them!

Were they all for me? No. But meeting so many good guys made me realize that the situation is not really as hopeless as it sometimes feels.

Sure, it can get frustrating when you're going on your 22nd (or 44th or 57th) date and still haven't found someone you could imagine sharing your life with. (I know, because I've been there.) BUT, going out a lot, meeting lots of different guys, experiencing that there are good ones out there, helps cultivate a mindset of abundance, rather than scarcity.

When you're in a scarcity mindset, you're likely to settle for the first guy who comes your way, because you fear he may be the only option to spinsterhood you'll ever have.

Well fuck that noise!

You are a phenomenal catch! You deserve the best, and when you cultivate an attitude of abundance you're more likely to attract it and recognize it.

And you know The Secret, right? Whether you're a woo-woo person or not, living in an attitude of abundance simply brings more good stuff your way. Plus it's just a lot more pleasant way to live.

5) It takes the pressure off... for both of you!

Have you ever had a guy be way too into you from the start? Scary, isn't it? It makes you want to run the other direction.

Guys are the same way. The biggest way to scare a guy off is to make him feel pressured (as Lu puts it, "poke him with your ring finger or your fallopian tube.")

But guess what: if he knows you're dating other guys, the pressure's off!

And if you've got another date with someone else next week, your less likely to rush forward inappropriately.

6) It brings out the best in men!

I was skeptical about this part. Lu claims that men, being born hunters and loving the thrill of the chase as they do, will up their game if they know they're competing.

Turns out she's right.

Competition does, indeed, bring out their good sportsmanship and inner chivalry. Not in every case, sure, but in most cases, if a guy is really interested in you, if he knows he's not the only one on the field he will play his darnedest to prove to you he's the best candidate.

He will do whatever he can to win you.

And if he doesn't, then that tells you something useful, doesn't it? Don't you want a guy who is so into you that he'll navigate any obstacles in his path?

In this way dating multiple guys at once (as long as you're totally honest about it) acts as a fantastic filter mechanism! The guys who are in it to win it will stay in the game, while the others will naturally drop out.

Brilliant!

7) It's FUN (dammit)!

Cindy Lu's tagline for The Four Man Plan is "Have fun, dammit!" Which ROCKS.

Sometimes the quest for a partner can feel way more like work than play. Meet & greet 1st dates start to feel like job interviews, when they should be something to look forward to!

Even if you don't think a particular date is promising for the long term, even if you may never see the guy again (though I think The Four Man Plan's postulate of a 2-Date Minimum is wise, and highly recommend it), there's no reason why you can't have a perfectly enjoyable evening.

Dating more than one guy at a time can help make each individual date less pressurey and stressful. And having lots of guys competing for your attention totally doesn't suck!

Granted, it isn't always the way it pans out. Sometimes there are long dry spells, which totally do suck. But when you do have a few different guys pursuing you and making you feel wonderful, it's fun!

That alone, is worth the price of admission.

In Summary

Hopefully I've convinced you to try this retro-dating thing, if you haven't already done so.

For lots of additional tips, I encourage you to pick up a copy of The Four Man Plan (if you can find it; Lu told me that the books in the US warehouse were shredded when that division of the publishing house folded, so it's become a scarce commodity. And no, I'm not giving away my copy!) Check it out, and give it a try.

Then come back here and tell me how it worked for you. It's not for everyone, but if what you've been doing so far hasn't been working (and if you're reading this, then I'm guessing it hasn't), it might be time for a change.

Maybe you'll even come up with some more reasons why this is a great way to date.

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*This is not a heavy conversation; quite the contrary, the more matter-of-factly you can slip it into conversation, the better.

For example: "I'm having such a great time dating, and of all the guys I'm seeing, you are the funniest!"

Or, here's one I've used multiple times, when guys would comment on my restricted phone number showing up in their Caller ID: "Yeah, with all the dating I'm doing lately, I decided it would be safer to keep my phone number private until I get to know someone. You can't be too safe these days!"

Most women find this part excruciatingly hard, and expect that men will react badly when they hear they're not the only guy on your dance card. In my experience, the opposite was true: in most cases they didn't even flinch! (Sometimes I wasn't even sure if they heard me.)

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