8 reasons to post a profile on AFF (especially if you’re a good girl)
So why, I've been asked (more than once), would a "good girl" like myself post a profile on a site whose tagline is "meet real sex partners tonight"?
Actually, plenty of reasons. Here are 8 of them.
1) You get to practice boundary-setting
A lot of us good girls are so nice to everyone that we need some practice saying "no," as well as in basic boundary-setting. Dating in general will provide you with tons of opportunities to practice, but sometimes it's handy to have a venue where it's really, really easy to say no.
When you put up a profile on a site like AFF (especially if you include some [tasteful and artistic] nude shots, you'll likely be inundated with emails. Yes, the vast majority of those emails will be from guys you will never have any interest in responding to (as shown in my Great Age Experiment), but that's precisely the point!
When you get practice saying no (or simply ignoring) under very easy circumstances, it strengthens your limit-setting muscles for use in more challenging situations. This is a good thing.
2) You get to be very clear about what you want
This one is interesting, and came as a surprise to me. The very act of composing my profile for AFF was wonderfully liberating.
Because you get to talk about things that would be censored out of a profile on a "legit" dating site, it gives you an amazing sense of freedom to talk about, well, you know, stuff you can't talk about on a "legit" dating site.
In other words, you get to really lay out on the table everything you're looking for behind the bedroom door. You don't have to wait until an "appropriate" time in the dating process to make your kinks preferences known.
Try it. You may find that you even discover things about yourself you didn't know before!
Yes, it's a little weird, granted, to be so upfront about this stuff, but it's also kind of cool. The conversations I had with the men I met on AFF – in emails and on dates – were a lot more matter-of-fact about... well, stuff.
Let's face it, we live in a pretty uptight society, and I personally find it a relief to let some of that uptightness go.
3) You get an ego boost
Okay, a shallow ego boost, granted, and frequently illiterate and/or somewhat (or entirely) disgusting, but what girl can't use an ego boost once in awhile?
If you're not having much luck on the "legit" sites, try putting up a profile on AFF. If you're female and you have a body, you'll likely get a response. You'll feel pretty popular for at least a few seconds.
4) You get a fascinating insight into the nature of men
Um, yeah. In other words, they're very much driven by the little head.
Not always what you want to know, but information is power, you know?
5) You get confirmation of your value on the marketplace
Should you ever decide to turn pro. Just sayin'.
6) You get to see a wider range of penises than you ever thought possible
Yes, it's true. Men are obsessed with them. If you ever prayed to God for a place where you could see hundreds of teeny-tiny pics of cocks, all in one place, here's your paydirt.
7) You get a sense of power
Again, limited, but still. Especially if you feel like men have all the power in the dating world, like you're up on the auction block, waiting passively for someone, anyone, to bid on you, putting a profile up on AFF may help you get back to the place where we women belong: we are the selectors; they are the selectees.
(Which takes us back to numbers 1 & 2. You're in charge here, sister.)
8) You never know, but something really good may even come out of it
Hey, I know this is unlikely, but seriously, you never know!
I personally met some awesome guys, real gentlemen, if you can believe it. Think about it: you're on the site, right? And you're a "good girl" and a really cool person. So it makes sense that some (granted few, but some) guys on the site are also really cool people.
I met a number of guys who also had profiles on "legit" sites, and were (like me) looking for the Real Thing, not just a hookup. It happens.
--
Give it a try – I dare you! Then let me know what happens.
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
Ask the Dating Queen: Fears, Frankenstein and some cool TDQ aphorisms
Part of an ongoing, periodic series in which the illustrious Dating Queen (that being me) draws on her vast dating experience to answer the questions of readers in the most queenly of fashions.
In other words, I'll blather on about what I think, and you're free to take it or leave it.
No, I'm not a therapist, but I've done a lot of dating (seriously, in one 2 1/2 year stretch I dated 57 men, which by default makes me something of an expert), and I've got me some opinions, which I'm oh, so happy to share.
Wanna play? Just click here and send me your question. I can't promise an answer to every question I receive, but I'll respond to your email regardless.
Now, onto today's question!
--
Subj: Ohhh Dating Guru.....!
Ok- there is this guy on match...he is German, seems really cool, I think we have a lot in common....why am i so scared...almost don't want to meet up with him!
- And iz it okay to write within a couple of hours of receiving their response...or should one wait?
- He is already asking if I want to go to the beach with him and or an art gallery and we have only traded three emails..is that okay?
- Waz Frankenstein German? Could he use me in a science experiement?
- AM WAY TOO SCARED TO DATE ANYONE; THAT IS WHY I AM PERPETUALLY SINGLE - and I can't spell! :(
Help Dating Guru - HELP
Signed,
German-a-fied!
----
Dear German-a-fied,
Ah, yes, it sounds like the old I'm-really-interested-in-this-guy-and-I-really-want-him-to-be-The-One-and-I'll-be-so-bummed-out-if-he-doesn't-like-me syndrome. In cases like this, feeling scared is perfectly normal.
What to do about it? Ignore it.
The Dating Queen's prescription for this particular syndrome is to date as much as you possibly can. Not just this guy, but anyone who'll ask you out. Set your inner moderator on "Yes," and go out with every guy who invites you — short, tall, thin, fat, rich, poor. That way, when you go out on a date you're more likely to approach it as a potentially interesting and hopefully-at-least-mildly-enjoyable experience, rather than a high stakes interview.
The goal is to get you to go into each date feeling curious and interested to find out who this person is and whether you like him, not stressed and anxious about whether he's going to like you.
Remember, you are assessing him. You are looking for the right guy for you. If he's not interested in you it actually says nothing about you; it just tells you he's not the right guy. (And naturally it says a lot about his poor taste. His loss.)
"And iz it okay to write within a couple of hours of receiving their response...or should one wait?"
I'm not a believer in game-playing, so if you're at your computer and the urge strikes, I say write him back! Those initial exchanges can be a lot of fun.
Just be aware that if you want to know who someone really is, let alone whether there's any chemistry, you've got to spend time with him in 3-D. (And since guys tend to get really nervous on a first date, which sometimes makes them act totally weird, unless he's clearly icky or married or otherwise inappropriate, I subscribe to a Two Date Minimum, as described in the Four Man Plan.)
Here's the thing: the only thing you can learn about a guy from email is that he gives good email.
Same with phone: the only thing you can learn about a guy from a phone call is that he gives good phone.
Sure, you can learns facts about someone, and you can read (or listen) between the lines to intuit whether the guy's a nutcase (very good to know before you meet at Starbucks), but whether he's a match for you? Uh uh. You're not gonna get that info from email or phone.
"He is already asking if I want to go to the beach with him and or an art gallery and we have only traded three emails..is that okay?"
Lovely! You've got an invitation! My recommendation (and personal M.O.) is to meet up as soon as reasonably possible, and it sounds like Mr. German Guy may have the same (obviously brilliant) M.O. Why invest more emotional energy than necessary on email and phone when the chances you'll really float each other's boats are, let's face it, rather slim?
This guy may turn out to be your Prince Charming (and I'd be the first to cheer if he does), but right now he's just some guy. One of the thousands of guys out there who might hold initial appeal. Don't stress over it; just see it for what it is: a first date.
Remember, the only real purpose for a first date is to see if there's mutual interest in a second date. Period.
If either of his suggestions appeal to you, go for it! If you're concerned about whether you'll hit it off enough to warrant a "real" date, you can always suggest a quick "meet'n'greet" date at Starbucks first, and if all goes well, schedule the beach or art gallery for your next date.
"Waz Frankenstein German? Could he use me in a science experiement?"
I believe Frankenstein was German. I actually read Mary Shelley's novel years ago, but must confess I can't honestly remember. It's possible he was Austrian or Swiss, and I'm too lazy right now to look it up on Wikipedia.
However, unless Mr. German Guy were super crafty, he probably couldn't use you in a science experiment without your consent. And he wouldn't be able to turn you into an animated corpse (which is what Frankenstein's monster was) unless you were dead. And for the record, The Dating Queen always advises that if you think someone is going to try to make you dead, run the other way, fast.
This is one reason why I also advise to always meet a new person in a well-lit public area where lots of people are around, no matter how un-Frankenstein-like they may seem. (And of course, never give out personal information like your address or a traceable phone number. Cell phones are safer than land lines for this reason, and TDQ's phones are set on ID blocking, much to the annoyance of friends and family. I also advise having a separate, web-based email account for online dating. The usual stuff.)
"AM WAY TOO SCARED TO DATE ANYONE; THAT IS WHY I AM PERPETUALLY SINGLE - and I can't spell! :("
As to the first part, if you want to not be perpetually single, you are going to have to learn to (in the words of Susan Jeffers) feel the fear and do it anyway. This is where going out with men you're not particularly excited about can help!
First, you'll be desensitizing yourself to dating in general. And second, you may discover that guys you'd previously shunned are actually quite wonderful, and possibly better for you than the guys you tend to be drawn to. Think about it: the guys you've been attracted to in the past haven't exactly worked out in the long run, have they?
As to the second part, that's why God invented spell-check.
Good luck, and let me know how it goes!
Kisses,
The Dating Queen
aka The Dating Guru
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
The Great Age Experiment: Week 4
Part of an ongoing series, in which your intrepid correspondent offers herself as a guinea pig in an admittedly not-very scientific online dating experiment to determine, once and for all, whether a younger age on her profile will result in greater response to said profile.
--
Week 4 Update
(Click here to read parts one, two, three and four in this series.)
For four weeks now your correspondent has braved the match.com trenches with a false age on her profile and posted the results. She'll admit, it was kind of fun at first, but honestly, it's getting rather boring.
Here's the scoop: 7 years' age difference did not increase the number of responses (contrary to the prelimary hypothesis), and in fact, the number of profile views is at this point exactly half the number of views of the actual-age match.com profile during the same time span.
The number of match.com emails from guys who might possibly be worthy of a meeting was exactly the same: 2. So in fact, the ratio of quality men to responses did improve, though the actual number of responses dropped in half.
Granted, the "fresh meat" factor may have contributed to the higher response rate in the previous month, when your correspondent's profile first went up (with her actual age). (Online daters tend to flock to new profiles like flies to honey, whereas they avoid older ones as if they were milk cartons past their pull date.) A new experiment would be required to test if the "fresh meat" theory actually made a difference in this case, but your correspondent is frankly sick and tired of this particular experiment, and is looking forward to being her actual age again.
(In other words, if you want to test the theory yourself, run your own damn experiment.)
The not-so scientific summary of the data
Totally unscientific lessons learned from this experiment:
- If you're interested in quantity of profile views, winks, hotlists and emails, a tasteful black and white nude art photo on AFF will net dramatically better results than an attractive face pic on match.com
- If you're interested in the quality of responses, match.com will return a higher ratio than AFF (duh)
- If you're interested in pure (though admittedly raunchy) entertainment value, and you don't mind unsolicited pee-pee pics and tasteless, frequently illiterate replies, AFF is the way to go
- For all intents and purposes, it sure as hell looks like 7 years doesn't make a damn bit of positive difference in terms of response rate. (At age 43, at least.)
In other words, ladies, stop whining that it's your age, and get up on AFF if you want a flood of email in your box.
Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to take down this stale profile, make some edits, and put it back up in a few weeks to take advantage of the "fresh meat" factor once again.
Over and out.
| Results (Age posted on profile) Time period of data collection |
match.com (43) 30 days |
match.com (36) 4 weeks |
aff.com (43) 4 weeks |
| emails received | 8-10(?) | 6 (plus 1 more from a winker who was then sent a "thanks for the wink" email) |
84 |
| emails from guys who might possibly be worthy of a meeting | 2 (One of which was from a guy who'd gone out with your correspondent a few years ago) |
2 | 1** **(Your correspondent did receive 2 additional emails that warranted replies for the sole purpose of lively, intellectual conversation. Seriously.) |
| winks/flirts received | 8-10(?) | 7 | 126 |
| favorited/hotlisted | unknown | 5 (hotlisted by a new guy, unhotlisted by another, for a total change of 0 this past week) |
99 |
| views | 418 | 209 | 5,329 (1,826 in the past week) (18,599 total views since 7/29/2008, though the profile has only been active less than 7 months during that time) |
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
The Great Age Experiment: Week 2 Update
Part of an ongoing series, in which your intrepid correspondent offers herself as a guinea pig in an admittedly not-very scientific online dating experiment to determine, once and for all, whether a younger age on her profile will result in greater response to said profile.
--
Week 2 Update
(Click here to read parts one and two in this series.)
A brief debrief this week. Another 7 days on Match.com and AFF, and as expected, the "fresh blood" effect has cooled a bit. No new emails or winks on Match, and your correspondent has been un-hotlisted by one admirer, thereby bringing the hotlist number down by one.
Fresh blood is less of an issue on AFF, where the views and emails continue unabated. (1,826 views and 45 flirts [or technically: hugs/kisses/smiles/spanks/waves/winks] in the past week alone.) The charms of the unclothed feminine form seem never to grow tiresome. Though of course the "quality" of the responses is less than marginal (unless your correspondent were simply looking for "1on1" or someone who is "more than GOOD size DOWN THERE").
The slow-down is only to be expected. After many go-rounds online in the past decade, your correspondent has learned from experience that the shelf life of a new profile is, in fact, just about one week. A new pic and new copy might draw in some new searchers, but this is science, people, and we mustn't mess with the experiment.
(Plus your correspondent is busy with other things and doesn't actually care at the moment if she goes on any dates or not. Which is just as well, it appears.)
The results
At just shy of the half-way point, our 30-day experiment is so far showing a statistically negligible* difference in overall responses to the different aged profiles. Don't crack open the champagne yet, but for you 40-somethings, it's looking like your complaints that your advanced age is the reason why you're not getting any dates is just not cutting it.
Hmnh.
And again, if you're looking for quantity (if not quality), you may want to check out some other venues.
Another 16 days to go. Watch for another report in about a week.
| Results (Age posted on profile) Time period of data collection |
match.com (43) 30 days |
match.com (36) 2 weeks |
aff.com (43) 2 weeks |
| emails received | 8-10(?) | 5 (plus 1 more from a winker you was then sent a "thanks for the wink" email) |
63 (24 in the past week) |
| emails from guys who might possibly be worthy of a meeting | 2 (One of which was from a guy who'd gone out with your correspondent a few years ago) |
2 | 1** **(Your correspondent did receive 2 additional emails that warranted replies for the sole purpose of lively, intellectual conversation. Seriously.) |
| winks/flirts received | 8-10(?) | 8 | 91 (45 in the past week) |
| favorited/hotlisted | unknown | 5 (down 1 from last week; un-hotlisted!) |
78 (25 in the past week) |
| views | 418 | 162 (only 40 more views since last week) |
3,301 (1,826 in the past week) (16,363 total views since 7/29/2008, though the profile has only been active less than 6 months during that time) |
*Your correspondent doesn't actually know if it's statistically negligible or not, she just likes saying "statistically negligible."
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
Who is the Dating Queen?
In the Dating Queen Shop
Dating Queen Music
Dating Queen Art
