Part of an ongoing, periodic series in which the illustrious Dating Queen (that being me) draws on her vast dating experience to answer the questions of readers in the most queenly of fashions.

In other words, I'll blather on about what I think, and you're free to take it or leave it.

No, I'm not a therapist, but I've done a lot of dating (seriously, in one 2 1/2 year stretch I dated 57 men, which by default makes me something of an expert), and I've got me some opinions, which I'm oh, so happy to share.

Wanna play? Just click here and send me your question. I can't promise an answer to every question I receive, but I'll respond to your email regardless.

Now, onto today's question!

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Dear Dating Guru!

Well I have a date - yikes!
What does one wear for a first time meet and greet - possibly drinks/possibly eats in the city...evening?

Signed,
Pexperlexd With Nothing To Wear

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Dear Perplexd,

Ah, yes, the old What-To-Wear-On-The-First-Date dilemma. I know it well.

Rhetorical question: do you think men put more than one whit's thought into this? Do you think they even put one whit's thought into it?

Well, okay, the metrosexuals do, God love 'em. But the rest of them? (And this is the breed – ie, the Fashion-Oblivious – that I seem to have dated the most. Sigh..)

Well, annoying as it can be sometimes to have so many choices, it is in fact one of the pleasures of being female. I mean, can you really blame cross-dressers? Women's apparel is just so much more fun!

That said, it still creates some trauma when one is dressing for a date, especially a first date.

Dress to suit the venue

Here's the deal: it's not as hard as you might think to figure out what to wear. The real question is, what's the venue? If you know where you're going, you pretty much just dress to match, and you're good to go.

My rule of thumb* is to dress the same way I would to meet up with a girlfriend, but slightly more spiffified.

Examples:

• Going on a hike? Obviously you're going to ditch the fake eyelashes and opt for the REI look.

• Coffee at Starbucks? Think about what you'd wear to meet a girlfriend there, and maybe add a dash of lip gloss, if you don't normally wear makeup (or mascara, if you're eyelash-pigment-impaired like me).

• After work drinks at that chic new bar downtown? Dress up a bit, but don't go overboard. I'll sometimes wear a dressy top and heels, balanced with a pair of (nicely form-fitting) jeans. Or a dressy skirt with a jean jacket.

In your case, drinks + possibly dinner, find out where you're meeting, and if you don't already know the place, scope it out ahead of time. See if there are pics online. A homey sushi bar will require a different wardrobe than the trendy four star restaurant.

(I once met a guy for lunch at an order-at-the-counter lunch place, and he showed up in a suit. With flowers. Nooooo! Believe me, you do not want to make the equivalent mistake.)

Dress strategically

Whatever the venue, it never hurts to highlight your best feature.

• Cleavage? (NOT my area of expertise) Perhaps pick the slightly lower-cut top (slightly, because you don't want to look like a hooker).

• A nice rear view? Choose the form-fitting pants rather than the baggies. Good gams?

• Shapely shoulders? Go for a camisole or tank top, if the weather's warm enough.

Don't go overboard, and don't worry too much about it. Seriously. You want someone who's going to be totally into YOU, even when you're sick in bed after a sleepless night, right? Own your own particular brand of beauty and wonderfulness, and go into the date with the attitude that you're there to scope him out.

Remember, the important question to answer on date #1 is "Am I interested in going on a 2nd date with him?" Period.

If he's not interested, regardless of the reason, then he is SO wrong for you, and good riddance!

Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

Kisses,

The Dating Queen
aka The Dating Guru

*My high school history teacher told us that "rule of thumb" comes from the Middle Ages, when a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick, as long as it was no thicker than his thumb? Though Wikipedia claims other etymologies, despite how traumatic dating can feel, aren't you glad you live in 21st Century America?

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

When I was in high school and college, nobody really dated. You might go out with someone once or twice, but you pretty much decided up front whether to make a go of the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, and then either became "an item," or not.

And dating more than one person at a time? It just wasn't done.

In my mom's era, though, things were totally different. Things were lighter then, it seems. You went out with lots of different people – to the drive-in, the soda shop, or wherever it was young adults went in those days.

You got to know lots of different guys before you went steady with one of them.

Apparently, my mom thought the whole hook-up-with-one-person-right-away dating M.O. of my youth was nuts, and decades after the fact, I'm now inclined to agree with her.

I didn't come to this conclusion easily, however. I remember, years ago, talking to a girlfriend who confessed she'd dated two men at the same time for awhile, and I was shocked! Not to mention very, very curious.

How did it work?

Did the guys know about each other?

Did she sleep with both of them?

Wasn't it emotionally confusing?

I seriously did not think I could ever do this myself.

But that was before I picked up The Four Man Plan, by Cindy Lu.

Retro-Dating: A New (Old) Approach

Lu presents an alternate approach to the quest for a mate, which says that in order to find the one man who's right for her, a girl should always be dating four men... at the same time!

It's a bit more complex than that, and the number of men on the radar is really not necessarily four (read my review for more details), but the upshot is to date more than one at the same time.

Lest you fear that 4MPlanning is a deceptive, sneaky tactic, let me assure you that part of the deal is complete honesty: you must make it very clear to every guy you're seeing that he is not the only one.* You are getting to know lots of different people at the same time.

Caveat: dating more than one man at the same time does not mean sleeping with more than one man at the same time. In fact, if you're following the rules of The Four Man Plan, you are explicitly not allowed to sleep with more than one guy at a time.

I suspect that my generation's squeamishness about dating lots of guys at once is because I'm of a post-Sexual Revolution generation, in which it's generally sort of assumed that if you're dating someone, you must be sleeping together. Whereas in my mom's era the opposite was true: birth control was unpredictable, the morés were different, and although some people were having sex, it was assumed that you weren't. Dating implied nothing more than getting to know someone.

This, I propose, is a vastly superior way to approach dating! Hooray for retro-dating!

So, why date more than one?

Having followed The Four Man Plan almost to the letter for a year and a half (and having dated over 45 men during that time [there's a reason I'm The Dating Queen]), I consider myself something of an authority on the benefits of this way of dating.

However, if you're feeling a bit uncomfortable with the dating more than one guy thing, I understand – I've been there! To ease your transition, here are 7 reasons why dating more than one guy at a time is a really good idea:

1) It keeps you from obsessing

Admit it, you've been in that oh-so-crazy-making place of obsessing over some guy, wondering if he's going to call, wondering if he's dating someone else. My own obsessions were frequently with guys I didn't even like. But because he was the only guy on my radar, I'd start obsessing about him!

I don't know if it's hardwired into the female brain, but I don't know any woman who hasn't had this experience.

If you're dating more than one guy, however, obsession is less likely to get you in its grip. You're simply not as liable to stress over what the guy from Tuesday's date is thinking/feeling/doing if you've got a date with someone else on Friday.

Magic!

2) You get to compare and contrast

Be honest: you want to find the best match for you, right? You want someone who is going to treat you like the queen you are, someone honest, loving and willing. (And of course it wouldn't suck if he's hot, too.)

But how do you tell if a guy's the best match for you if you never compare him to other guys? If you couple up right away, you never really know for sure if you've picked Mr. Right, or Mr. Best-Thing-That-Was-Available-At-The-Time.

No matter what anyone might tell you, no matter what the latest media sensation might claim, settling sucks.

And believe me, he doesn't want to feel like the default selection. Would you?

When you're juggling multiple dates, taking your time to get to know several guys at once, you get to really experience each guy for who he is, and how he treats you.

Maybe Guy A is a great kisser, but is always late to pick you up, and interrupts you constantly; while Guy B is really shy, but arranges everything around your comfort and happiness; and Guy C is TOTALLY HOT, but arrogant as shit.

While you may notice a guy's qualities, I can tell you from experience that they stand out a helluva lot more clearly when you've got side-by-side comparisons!

Sometimes it's even useful to keep dating a guy you know doesn't treat you as well as you'd like – what Lu calls an Icky – because when you're dating other guys as well you'll be more likely to see his icky behavior for what it is.

And quite possibly even get yourself out of a long-term habit of falling for Mr. Wrong.

In any case, with side-by-side comparisons you're in a much better position to put your energy into a guy who's really going to be right for you, instead of wasting another big chunk of your life (admit it, you've done this more than once) on Mr. Best-Thing-That-Was-Available-At-The-Time.

3) You're less likely to jump in too fast

How often have you jumped into a relationship, only to realize a few weeks or months down the road that things are not all as rosy as you'd thought in the first blush of infatuation? But by this time you're both invested, so you spend tons of energy trying to make things work.

Don't get me wrong: a relationship will always require work – that's the nature of the beast – but if you're working too hard, it ain't working!

When I look back at my long-term relationships, I seriously doubt whether I'd have ended up with most of them if I'd been dating lots of other guys at the same time. First of all, I wouldn't have been in such a rush to pair off with the first guy I felt an ounce of chemistry with. And second of all, I think I would have been more likely to notice – and flag – the areas that would become ongoing issues.

Keeping things light, and moving slowly, helps prevent I Jumped In Too Soon/LTR Regret Syndrome, and when you're dating lots of guys, and just enjoying the experience of dating – without concentrating on getting your M.R.S. or finding a baby-daddy – this is much easier to do.

4) You cultivate an abundance mindset

Oh, how we women love to complain about the dearth of good men. "They all suck," is the constant refrain.

Sometimes it really does feel that way, but in fact, there are really great guys out there! I've been on dates with a lot of them!

Were they all for me? No. But meeting so many good guys made me realize that the situation is not really as hopeless as it sometimes feels.

Sure, it can get frustrating when you're going on your 22nd (or 44th or 57th) date and still haven't found someone you could imagine sharing your life with. (I know, because I've been there.) BUT, going out a lot, meeting lots of different guys, experiencing that there are good ones out there, helps cultivate a mindset of abundance, rather than scarcity.

When you're in a scarcity mindset, you're likely to settle for the first guy who comes your way, because you fear he may be the only option to spinsterhood you'll ever have.

Well fuck that noise!

You are a phenomenal catch! You deserve the best, and when you cultivate an attitude of abundance you're more likely to attract it and recognize it.

And you know The Secret, right? Whether you're a woo-woo person or not, living in an attitude of abundance simply brings more good stuff your way. Plus it's just a lot more pleasant way to live.

5) It takes the pressure off... for both of you!

Have you ever had a guy be way too into you from the start? Scary, isn't it? It makes you want to run the other direction.

Guys are the same way. The biggest way to scare a guy off is to make him feel pressured (as Lu puts it, "poke him with your ring finger or your fallopian tube.")

But guess what: if he knows you're dating other guys, the pressure's off!

And if you've got another date with someone else next week, your less likely to rush forward inappropriately.

6) It brings out the best in men!

I was skeptical about this part. Lu claims that men, being born hunters and loving the thrill of the chase as they do, will up their game if they know they're competing.

Turns out she's right.

Competition does, indeed, bring out their good sportsmanship and inner chivalry. Not in every case, sure, but in most cases, if a guy is really interested in you, if he knows he's not the only one on the field he will play his darnedest to prove to you he's the best candidate.

He will do whatever he can to win you.

And if he doesn't, then that tells you something useful, doesn't it? Don't you want a guy who is so into you that he'll navigate any obstacles in his path?

In this way dating multiple guys at once (as long as you're totally honest about it) acts as a fantastic filter mechanism! The guys who are in it to win it will stay in the game, while the others will naturally drop out.

Brilliant!

7) It's FUN (dammit)!

Cindy Lu's tagline for The Four Man Plan is "Have fun, dammit!" Which ROCKS.

Sometimes the quest for a partner can feel way more like work than play. Meet & greet 1st dates start to feel like job interviews, when they should be something to look forward to!

Even if you don't think a particular date is promising for the long term, even if you may never see the guy again (though I think The Four Man Plan's postulate of a 2-Date Minimum is wise, and highly recommend it), there's no reason why you can't have a perfectly enjoyable evening.

Dating more than one guy at a time can help make each individual date less pressurey and stressful. And having lots of guys competing for your attention totally doesn't suck!

Granted, it isn't always the way it pans out. Sometimes there are long dry spells, which totally do suck. But when you do have a few different guys pursuing you and making you feel wonderful, it's fun!

That alone, is worth the price of admission.

In Summary

Hopefully I've convinced you to try this retro-dating thing, if you haven't already done so.

For lots of additional tips, I encourage you to pick up a copy of The Four Man Plan (if you can find it; Lu told me that the books in the US warehouse were shredded when that division of the publishing house folded, so it's become a scarce commodity. And no, I'm not giving away my copy!) Check it out, and give it a try.

Then come back here and tell me how it worked for you. It's not for everyone, but if what you've been doing so far hasn't been working (and if you're reading this, then I'm guessing it hasn't), it might be time for a change.

Maybe you'll even come up with some more reasons why this is a great way to date.

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*This is not a heavy conversation; quite the contrary, the more matter-of-factly you can slip it into conversation, the better.

For example: "I'm having such a great time dating, and of all the guys I'm seeing, you are the funniest!"

Or, here's one I've used multiple times, when guys would comment on my restricted phone number showing up in their Caller ID: "Yeah, with all the dating I'm doing lately, I decided it would be safer to keep my phone number private until I get to know someone. You can't be too safe these days!"

Most women find this part excruciatingly hard, and expect that men will react badly when they hear they're not the only guy on your dance card. In my experience, the opposite was true: in most cases they didn't even flinch! (Sometimes I wasn't even sure if they heard me.)

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

One of the great challenges of dating is that men are just so... confusing! Does he like me? Why didn't he call? Should I ask him out?

It's enough to drive a girl crazy.

Thankfully, there's help. The two books in this section offer some insight into what the heck a guy is thinking, and what to do – or not do – about it.

He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

Authors Behrendt and Tuccillo took the core of a Sex and the City episode and spun it into a highly entertaining, and eminently sensible self-help book. Written in a fun, easy-to-read Q&A format, the book's main theme is that if a guy is really into you, he'll make sure you know it, and if you're tying yourself in knots trying to figure out whether he is into you, you're wasting your time, so move on!

Some women I know find this notion depressing. Personally, I found it hugely liberating. Although I don't necessarily agree with both authors all the time (and they don't always agree with each other – they engage in a back-and-forth dialogue throughout the book), the general thrust is something all women would benefit from wrapping their heads around: you are an awesome super-fox, and you deserve someone who will recognize that and treat you like a queen. Stop wasting time chasing after or pining for men who aren't interested or are toying with you!

HJNTIY is the book that launched my personal exploration into the world of men and relationships. As women, we need to respect ourselves enough to not waste time and energy on men who make us crazy. This book is a great guidebook for pointing out the myriad ways we get caught in that trap, and for helping to avoid said traps in the future.

(Also see the original song and video inspired by the book.)

Mars and Venus On A Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship
by John Gray

I'll admit it: I never took the whole Mars & Venus concept seriously. The metaphor irritated me (come on, we're all human beings here!), and I just found it all so cheesy that I avoided the books with a sneer.

Then, one day, while I was in a bookstore on a date, I came back from the info desk to find my date with Mars & Venus On A Date in his hands.

Cute. Ironic. Hahaha.

But when I asked him (rather scornfully, as I recall) if he'd learned anything, he said that in fact he had: women love a man with a plan.

Hmm... In my case, at least, this is definitely true, so I thought if John Gray understands this much about women, perhaps he might have something to teach me about men. God knows I sure didn't have the answers myself!

I never saw the guy again (amusingly, after assuring me that he'd have a plan for our next date, when he called to set it up, his plan was "Um.. I dunno, what do you want to do?"), but I went back to the bookstore the next day and bought a used copy of the book.

Although I have to stress that I don't agree with everything Gray writes (and some things I vehemently disagree with), I still found his book incredibly useful.

One of the most important lessons I learned from Gray is that men really like to do things for women. In previous relationships I'd always been afraid of making my guy feel exploited. I was perfectly capable of doing stuff myself, after all, so I declined a lot of offers of assistance. Only when I read Mars & Venus On A Date did I get it why this response only irritated my guy and made him feel rebuffed. (Okay, I'm kind of dense, but hell, that's the truth.) Gray's advice helped me learn to receive, and to let the men in my life be heroes. Definitely a good thing.

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Next up: books to help you understand yourself!

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What books have you read that helped you understand men better?

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

The Four Man Plan: The Book

I stumbled upon The Four Man Plan while cruising online dating sites one night. "Are you single?" the banner ad flashed, "Very, very single? If you want to find the ONE man... You need to be dating FOUR men!"

Huh?

I clicked through, read a bit more, and watched video excerpts from the one-woman show that inspired the book.

The author/actress was a crack-up, and while I didn't expect to really learn anything useful from the book, I figured the $16 cover price would be worth it for the entertainment value alone, so I handed over my credit card.

The Four Man Plan did, indeed prove to be highly entertaining, but what really surprised me was how brilliant Lu's system turned out to be. I've never been the evangelizing type, but I have to admit I've told more women about this book than I can count. It's not for everyone, but if what you've been doing to find a mate hasn't been working for you, and if you're ready and willing to try something new, I highly recommend opening your mind and reading this book.

In a nutshell, Lu offers a system that looks remarkably like the way my mom dated in the 50s: spend time getting to know lots of different men at the same time. There's much more to it than that, but that's the core of the Plan. I'll elaborate in a moment, but let's first address this key concept.

Having grown up post-Sexual Revolution, the idea of dating more than one guy at a time was completely foreign to me. Anathema, even. My mom now tells me that she thought my friends and I were all nuts, trying to partner up with one person right away without first "shopping around" and dating several.

But in my generation, dating implied sex, even if you weren't actually having any, and anything that smacked remotely of "sleeping around" would get you labeled as a slut so fast it would make your head spin.

One of the things Lu discovered in her own journey (which she shares in the first section of the book) was that, contrary to her belief that the way to snare a man is to throw your ankles behind your ears at the earliest opportunity, in fact, waiting for sex actually made men respect her more and treat her better.

Wow!

And sleeping around made men disrespect her (she calls it having "penis cooties"), plus it did not make her feel good about herself.

So Lu set out to codify the lessons she was learning into a system, the Four Man Plan (or 4MP), based on honesty, open-mindedness and respect. As she said in an interview with Singles365,

The Four Man Plan changes your perspective and turns dating into an absolute soul searching pleasure, because it takes the focus away from finding a lifelong partner to deciding what it is you really want.

When you start the Four Man Plan, you’ll find your perspective changes.  Dating isn’t about the hunt for one incredible man, it’s about being the most amazing woman that you are in any situation and falling in love with yourself.

On page 6 of the book Lu outlines reasonable expectations for any gal who gives the 4MP a college try:

• Raise your self-esteem
• Choose and encourage men of quality and honor
• Become the selector, not the selectee
• Find emotional balance
• Update a long-malfunctioning system of love
• Make single life way more fun

The 4MP is based on the idea that men are wired to compete for mates, whereas women... well, although competition brings out a man's inner chivalry, competition for men turns us into obsessive raving maniacs.

Look at the animal kingdom: it's always the males who are fighting and preening, trying to atract the females. Somehow in our species the mating ritual has been turned on on its head, with women out-sleezing each other to try and snag a guy, and men becoming lazy mofos, like zoo lions feasting on prepackaged meat.

What they want is the thrill of the hunt!

To that end, one of the rules of the Plan is that every man you're dating must know, by the end of the 2nd date at the latest, that you're also dating other people.

This is the hardest aspect of the Plan for most women to put into action, but in my personal experience (and honey, I dated 57 men in a 2 1/2 year period), most guys don't even flinch. In fact, knowing that you're also seeing other guys takes the pressure off, because they don't expect you to "poke them with your ring finger or fallopian tube," as Lu puts it. What a relief!

Lu again:

Letting men know that you’re dating but not sleeping with other men does a number of critical things.  It lets the men know they are competing and if there is one thing men know how to do, it’s compete!

Suddenly, armed with the knowledge that they are one of a number of choices, they become more chivalrous, more interested and more honest about their own situation.

If they aren’t interested, they simply fall away with no drama – but if they are keen, it makes it crucial that at some point they will have to request, rather than assume exclusivity.

These days, in the world of internet dating, it’s almost assumed that all parties are “shopping.”  But serial monogamy, indiscriminate sex and obsessive husband hunting has gotten more and more common, so it’s important to let your men know that you aren’t that kind of girl!

The 4MP is filled with all sorts of math-related hypotheses and postulates, and I found the tongue-in-cheek "scientific" metaphor a hoot. Lu's writing style is raunchy and sharp, filled with laugh-out-loud humor. It's a quick read (I read the entire book in a couple of hours during one insomniac night), but don't let its breeziness fool you: the system Lu offers is sound, and could transform dating for you from a dreaded exercise into a fun way to find yourself while looking for love.

It sure did for me!

The Four Man Plan: The Fourum

The Four Man Plan Forum (www.thefourmanplan.com)

To really get the most out of the 4MP, I recommend getting involved on the 4MP forum (Fourum), where women of all ages and backgrounds share their dating adventures, fears and concerns. Insights gleaned from other 4MPlanners can be invaluable, and sometimes Cindy Lu herself pops in with advice or encouragement.

For me, the Fourum was like a journal that talked back. The Plan on its own is great, but combined with the support and feedback from the Fourum it was turbocharged growth.

Tell 'em I sent you!

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You may also like:

Author Interview: Cindy Lu of The Four Man Plan

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Have you ever dated more than one guy at a time?

Were you honest about it with them, or did you hide it?

What was that experience like for you?

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

One night, while staying up way too late roaming about the various online dating sites of which I was a member, an advertisement caught my eye. "Are you single?" it asked, "Very, very single?" The animation then asserted that in order to find that ONE man, I needed to be dating FOUR men... at the same time!

This concept was more than I could wrap my little good-girl head around, so naturally my curiosity got the better of me. I clicked, and landed on a site advertising the book, complete with a video of the author performing in a one-woman show of the same name.

"Okay," I thought, "I can't imagine this book has anything really useful to teach me, but this chick cracks me up, so it's got to be worth it for the entertainment value alone."

Little did I know...

Not only did I discover that the book did indeed have quite a lot to teach me, but I have to say the process of doing the Four Man Plan was one of the biggest self-growth experiences I've ever had. (And yes, it was also worth the purchase price just for the entertainment value! Cindy Lu is a kick in the pants.)

I'll review the book in a future post. Today I've got a special treat: an interview with the author herself, Cindy Lu!

Welcome, Cindy!

The Dating Queen: Cindylu, your book, The Four Man Plan: A Romantic Science, outlines a comprehensive system for finding the man who's really right for you, complete with theories, postulates and principles. I suspect few people would think to approach dating in such a systematic fashion – I know I didn't, until I read your book! How in the world did you come up with this system?

Cindy Lu: The system of The Four Man Plan was born out of a necessity to separate myself from my disastrous past. Using the Graph and having a structure helped me to observe my own behaviors, patterns and habits in all areas of my love life. By multiplying the men I dated at once, I could see ME. Who I picked, why I picked them, how we treated each other, and how I felt about things. When you can observe yourself, you are taking the first step to healing old wounds and releasing old patterns that no longer serve you. Plus, it was FUN! And boy, before the Four Man Plan, dating was a dreaded chore, a means to an end rather than the delightful life process that it is.

TDQ: Was there a lot of tweaking involved before it took its current form?

CL: The way I did it was definitely the embryonic stages of where it is today. Girls now have support, lots of detailed answers to common questions, and lots of wiggle room to design it for their particular desires and lifestyle. Originally I designed it for just little ol' me. But now that it's been out in many countries and tested by women of all ages, I dare say that the current plan is pretty bullet proof for any single girl looking for love in her life.

TDQ: Did you learn from any mistakes you'd care to share?

CL: I share lots of those in the book! What a mess I was! But of course, life is learning from the "mistakes" we make. I rabbit-eared "mistakes" because I don't believe we make any mistakes. We are part of a gorgeous design that we are creating as we go, becoming conscious of that is the best way to prevent future "mistakes."

TDQ: When I started doing the 4MP, I realized that it was really just a modernized version of how my mom dated in high school and college (plus, of course, the option of having sex, which Mom didn't have). In her era, girls got to know lots of different guys at the same time, but when I started dating that was simply not done; it was one at a time only, and a girl who dated around was very uncool, probably because she was assumed to be sleeping around. A big hurdle for me (and for most women I tell about the 4MP) was the notion of dating more than one man at a time. Was this challenging for you as well?

CL: It is definitely counter to the current culture to date well. Giving yourself choices in the dating arena is frowned upon for sure and yes, it was challenging for me. But then I realized that it was much more bizarre to become attached to a man and design a future around him when I didn't know him at all. It's very strange to pin your life on someone you've had a couple dates with and maybe a romp in the hay. How do you know that the are a match? Why spend so much energy pretending someone is something they are not rather than just getting to know each other until that naturally develops.

This is an "old fashioned" style of dating and I think that is where much of it's powers lie. There is wisdom in our ancestry, and as much as we look to the future for new ideas, we can always look back for things that seemed to work rather than reinventing the wheel.

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Have you ever pinned your life on someone you've had a couple of dates with and maybe a romp in the hay? How did that work for you? Is that you you still operate?

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

In which your correspondent ponders the relative safety of being a woman on a sex site.

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It's said that a man's biggest fear is that a woman will laugh at him, and a woman's biggest fear is that a man will kill her.

If the first part of this statement is true (gentlemen? anyone want to chime in?), it does make one wonder what their thought process is when posting a pee-pee pic on their profile and (even more to the point) sending initial emails with graphic, "rough sex" scenarios they'd like to do to you.

Yes, on Adult Friendfinder this happened to your correspondent more times than she cares to count.

Needless to say, these men never received a response.

If they only knew how much your correspondent and her girlfriends laughed at them (and yes, it was definitely at them, not with them), would they alter their behavior?

And if more men were savvy to the second part of the above statement, surely they'd be more sensitive about how they approach a woman.

(I hate to admit this, but years ago when I broke it off with a guy I'd been seeing, he asked to come over one last time to talk, and part of my brain actually formed the thought "Oh, my god, maybe he's coming over with a gun."

Now, this was a really good guy, one who has probably never had a violent moment in his life. The fact that my thoughts jumped there had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with the terror that we women walk around with at the back of our minds.

Guys just don't get it.

Another time I got a call out of the blue from a guy who'd found my profile on Yahoo personals (which uses real first names, rather than made-up "user IDs"), Google searched my first name and a word from my profile that described something I did... and voilá, up popped my website.

Which had my phone number on it.

It's incredibly easy to stalk someone these days.

Needless to say, I immediately changed my Yahoo personals profile name.

Now, again, this guy turned out to be a really nice person who wasn't out to hurt me. But it's scary out there, and how the hell could I possibly know that from an out-of-the-blue phone call from someone who'd just cyber-stalked me?!)

Before even considering responding to a man, the reptilian part of a woman's brain is pondering:

• is he likely to try to kill me?
• is he likely to try to cause me bodily harm?
• is he likely to be in some other way psycho and/or try to mind fuck me?

If the answers to all of the above are "no," THEN she can get down to the business of deciding if the dang fool is good enough, smart enough, and cute enough to warrant a reply.

Granted, the reptilian processing is more than likely happening on a purely unconscious level (reptiles not being big on raised consciousness, naturally), but believe me, it's there.

Without a basic sense of safety, it ain't happening dude.

Of course, the entire premise of a site like Adult Friendfinder is completely different from your "legit" online dating site. Sure, there are women out there who really are looking for a hookup (a girlfriend of yr. correspondent's used it, with great success, when she decided it was high time she went through a "promiscuous phase", though the many men yr. correspondent corresponded with were more likely to find escorts and scams than "real women" just looking to get laid).

But even so, a girl's got to have a reasonable expectation that she's not going to end up dead at the end of a date.

Now, this is a bit extreme, granted. But still. Putting oneself out there on Adult Friendfinder does take an extra bit of courage that's not required on a site like match.com.

Your correspondent's mother would be horrified if she knew...

to be continued...

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

If you're a real Dating Queen (or in training to become one), you approach each date with conscious awareness. You probably journal afterwards, recording your mistakes, and how to correct forward, along with celebrating your successes (of course!) You learn from your experiences. Here are three of the most important lessons I've learned while looking for love.

1) When a man tells you something about himself, believe him.

If a guy tells you "I'm not very thoughtful," or "I fall in love too easily," or "I'm not ready to be in a relationship," he means just that. Take it at face value. Do you want a partner, or a project? If the latter, knock yourself out. But if you're ready for a happy, healthy relationship and someone tells you something about himself that gives you pause, pay attention, and WALK AWAY.

2) Be open to what the universe sends your way.

In The Four Man Plan (one of my favorite dating books of all time – watch for my review in a future post), author Cindy Lu posits a rule she calls the "Yes Factor." It works like this: similar to the main character in the movie Yes Man, if you get an invitation from a guy, and he's not a serial killer, an alchoholic, married or otherwise attached, scarily older or younger than you, or in some other way truly unsuitable, you SAY YES. Regardless of how short/fat/bald/dorky/nerdy/geeky he is, you grit your teeth (if necessary), and go out with him.

This isn't always an easy rule to follow, and it invariably gets a lot of groans when I tell women about it, but for me it was an invaluable policy. The thing is, you never know what kind of treasures you might encounter if you just give someone a chance.

For example, being a tall girl, but liking to feel somewhat dainty and feminine around a man, I prefer my guys in the 6' range. You know, big bear hugs, strong arms to protect me, not to mention a dance partner with whom I can actually dance cheek-to-cheek, rather than cheek to ... ahem ... chest. I spent a lot of my dating life rejecting short guys out of hand. I still have to admit I prefer my partner to be taller than I am (ideally even when I'm wearing my spikiest heels), but when I approached dating with more of an open mind, I not only met some great guys, but I scored a date to ITALY!

Yes, that's right: I agreed to meet a (short) European businessman who was in my area. I wasn't entirely enthusiastic, and fully expected to split right after dinner and go Tango dancing, but I kept an open mind, figuring a sushi dinner wouldn't hurt anyone, and we might at least have an interesting conversation. In fact, we really hit it off. I liked him. He was, shall we say, petite, but he was refreshingly unconcerned by our height difference (wow - a short guy without a Napolean complex!), and even loved that I wore high heels.

I saw him once more before he flew home, and he extended an open invitation to meet him in any city in Europe. "Yeah, right," I said, "someday, when I have the money." He countered with, "Well, of course I'll pay for your airfare!"

Three months later I was in Rome. We shared a few lovely days together, and I spent two weeks traveling by myself. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I owe it to an internet date that I never would have gone on if I hadn't kept an open mind.

On the other hand...

3) Trust your intuition. It never lies.

I was in a wonderful relationship for over a year with a man I was initially convinced was not for me, because for a variety of reasons, largely boiling down to integrity and character, we did not seem to be well-matched. Because I was keeping an open mind, however, I decided there would be no harm in spending more time with him, and as he revealed more of himself to me, I recognized his wonderful facets and decided my initial assessment was wrong. I continued to have niggling concerns, but things went so smoothly, and we got along so well and had so much fun together that I convinced myself that my concerns were insignificant, or at least manageable.

Sure enough, however, his true colors did eventually show. At the end he demonstrated an appalling lack of character and integrity and I realized our value systems were completely mismatched. Although I don't regret the relationship, because I got many gifts and learned and grew from it, my intuition was right!

Daphne Rose Kingma, in Coming Apart, asserts that almost every relationship that ends had a "clue to failure" right at the start. I actually wrote in my journal after date #2 with this guy "too much of a downer/pot-head/change addict – definitely not the one."

Oh, and did I mention in our first phone conversation that he told me he falls in love too easily?

Next time, I'll trust my intuition.

What are the top three lessons you've learned from dating?

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

A few weeks into The Four Man Plan I went on a lunch date with a guy I had no attraction to. Okay, I'll be honest – I was kind of physically repulsed by him. Yet after lunch, when he asked if he could kiss me, I didn't have a clear enough compass to tell him "no." I let him kiss me (ew), all the time thinking "Ew, I really don't want to be doing this," but still I didn't stop him. Then, after he'd pulled away, to my horror he stepped in again for another kiss (double-ew!), asking cursory permission, which, I'm embarrassed to say, I granted again, even though I seriously did not want those lips anywhere near mine. Ew, ew, ewwww!

When I finally got in my car and drove away I was thoroughly disgusted with myself! How did I let that happen? Clearly I needed to work on my boundaries! Because I let this guy kiss me the first time, he presumed he had permission for a second time, and now saying "no" became that much more of an ordeal. Much better to say no at the start! Oh, I had some work to do!

I'm grateful to Mr. Repulsive for helping me realize that I needed boundary-setting help, but my biggest problem, more than actually learning to say no, was figuring out what I wanted. It may sound ridiculous, but the truth is I frequently couldn't tell. I would check in with myself, would actually ask myself "what do you want right now?" but when it came to men, often all I would find was a numb void. My default response, then, became to follow the man's agenda, rather than my own, invariably with unsatisfactory results. Whatever happened might feel good physically (hey, my body was clear about what it wanted, it was just my head that went numb), but it always left me feeling confused and disempowered, and frequently uncomfortable or even downright disgusted.

Something clearly needed to change!

The two-kiss lunch date really crystallized something for me, and I realized that if I couldn't trust my feelings in any given moment to tell me what to do – because I was usually too numb to tell what my feelings were – I was simply going to have create a set of ground rules for myself. That way I could make decisions based on my pre-set ground rules, and not have to worry whether I'd gone numb or not. To help me remember my ground rules (after all, in the heat of the moment blood has a tendency to rush away from the cerebral cortext), I created a set of mantras, which I repeated regularly to tattoo them on my grey matter. My most oft-used mantra: When in doubt, the answer is "no." Or even more concisely, When in doubt, stop!

With my pre-set ground rules and repertoire of mantras, it wouldn't matter if I couldn't tell how I felt. I was no longer bandied about by numbness or excitement. The amazing thing is that it took me so long to figure this out!

If you sometimes have a hard time telling how you're feeling in any given moment, or you have a tendency to get swept away by the moment only to regret it later, these little tips might work for you as well. Here, then, are the "policies" I came up with over the weeks and months of my journey to Dating Queendom. (Although the examples here are mostly related to the sexual arena, because that's where I felt the most challenged in boundary-setting, the general concepts apply in other areas of life as well.)

1) Plan Ahead

Before each and every date, take some time alone to establish clear boundaries with yourself. For example, "first base only," or "no kissing on the first date," or "under the sweater but over the bra." The more specific you can be, the better. The goal is to avoid having to make any decisions in the heat of the moment; all you have to do is follow your pre-set guidelines.

The exact guidelines are up to you, and of course you reserve the right to change your mind, but I recommend being absolutely rigid about the boundaries you do set for any given date, no matter how turned on you get. The goal is to prevent yourself from being swept away in the moment, and to act in a way that keeps you protected and respected.

And what's the hurry? If a guy's really into you he'll be willing to wait and act on your schedule. And the longer you wait, the more info you'll be able to gather with a clear head, unclouded by the inevitable fuzziness that physical intimacy brings! Plus, if a guy doesn't respect your boundaries you can use one of my other favorite mantras: "Next!"

You may want to verbalize your boundary to your date, which offers the added benefit of practicing communicating (a rather important skill when one of your dates eventually turns into a relationship!) For example, you might say, "I really enjoyed the evening, and I'd love to see you again [assuming this is true], but I have a policy not to kiss on the first date." You do not need to explain why, though you may if you really want to. ("I find it keeps things clearer for me.") The important thing is to not waiver from your boundary once you draw the line. He may push (which will teach you something about him! If he doesn't respect your boundaries now, when he's presumably most eager to impress you, what will he be like when you're more relaxed around each other?), but don't give in! Show him that you respect yourself, and that, like Dr. Seuss's Horton, you say what you mean and mean what you say, which will make him respect you more.

2) Create Mantras As Necessary

If you have a tendency to go "numb," as I do, a great general-purpose mantra is the one above, "When in doubt, stop." But be creative, and make up whatever mantras will help you through the situations that challenge you the most.

3) Check in With Yourself Regularly During the Date

Again, the goal is to behave according to your clearest, best thinking, and not be swept away in the moment. So check in with yourself frequently, ask yourself how you're feeling. If you can't tell, make a note of it, and remind yourself of your mantras.

4) Follow Through

Are you in doubt? Is your mantra "when in doubt, stop"? Then stop!

5) Assess, Tweak and Repeat

After each date, take some time with yourself to assess how your boundary-setting went. Journal about it. Talk to your friends or your therapist. Were you able to hold onto the boundaries you set? Did you remember your mantras? Did you follow them, even if you felt confused or silly about it? If not, don't beat yourself up, just make a note of how you'd like to do better next time and correct forward! Dating will give you lots and lots of practice, and practice is what you need to get good at anything you do, including setting clear boundaries.

Hopefully these five steps will help you in your pursuit of Dating Queendom. If you really work at it, you'll find that boundary-setting has a powerful and positive effect on all other areas of your life as well.

(And btw, I recently had a guy thank me for setting such clear boundaries on a date! He was grateful to know where the line was, and happy to operate within it. Yes, there are men like this, and as a Dating Queen, or Dating Queen-in training, these are the men you're cultivating attracting.)

Good luck, and tell me how it goes!

What is the hardest area for you to set boundaries around?

What tools have you found most helpful in setting boundaries?

What kinds of responses have you gotten - from men, and in other areas of your life - when you set clear boundaries?

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

Are you single and looking?

Does the idea of dating fill you with dread? Or make you exhausted just thinking about it?

Would you like a rejuvenated outlook?

Are you ready to HAVE FUN, learn more about yourself and grow as a person, en route to finding the love of your life?

If you answered YES to any of the above questions, you're the ideal candidate to become a Dating Queen!

Shine up your tiara, girlfriend, and come on in!

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.