7 Reasons to Date More Than One Guy at a Time
When I was in high school and college, nobody really dated. You might go out with someone once or twice, but you pretty much decided up front whether to make a go of the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, and then either became "an item," or not.
And dating more than one person at a time? It just wasn't done.
In my mom's era, though, things were totally different. Things were lighter then, it seems. You went out with lots of different people – to the drive-in, the soda shop, or wherever it was young adults went in those days.
You got to know lots of different guys before you went steady with one of them.
Apparently, my mom thought the whole hook-up-with-one-person-right-away dating M.O. of my youth was nuts, and decades after the fact, I'm now inclined to agree with her.
I didn't come to this conclusion easily, however. I remember, years ago, talking to a girlfriend who confessed she'd dated two men at the same time for awhile, and I was shocked! Not to mention very, very curious.
How did it work?
Did the guys know about each other?
Did she sleep with both of them?
Wasn't it emotionally confusing?
I seriously did not think I could ever do this myself.
But that was before I picked up The Four Man Plan, by Cindy Lu.
Retro-Dating: A New (Old) Approach
Lu presents an alternate approach to the quest for a mate, which says that in order to find the one man who's right for her, a girl should always be dating four men... at the same time!
It's a bit more complex than that, and the number of men on the radar is really not necessarily four (read my review for more details), but the upshot is to date more than one at the same time.
Lest you fear that 4MPlanning is a deceptive, sneaky tactic, let me assure you that part of the deal is complete honesty: you must make it very clear to every guy you're seeing that he is not the only one.* You are getting to know lots of different people at the same time.
Caveat: dating more than one man at the same time does not mean sleeping with more than one man at the same time. In fact, if you're following the rules of The Four Man Plan, you are explicitly not allowed to sleep with more than one guy at a time.
I suspect that my generation's squeamishness about dating lots of guys at once is because I'm of a post-Sexual Revolution generation, in which it's generally sort of assumed that if you're dating someone, you must be sleeping together. Whereas in my mom's era the opposite was true: birth control was unpredictable, the morés were different, and although some people were having sex, it was assumed that you weren't. Dating implied nothing more than getting to know someone.
This, I propose, is a vastly superior way to approach dating! Hooray for retro-dating!
So, why date more than one?
Having followed The Four Man Plan almost to the letter for a year and a half (and having dated over 45 men during that time [there's a reason I'm The Dating Queen]), I consider myself something of an authority on the benefits of this way of dating.
However, if you're feeling a bit uncomfortable with the dating more than one guy thing, I understand – I've been there! To ease your transition, here are 7 reasons why dating more than one guy at a time is a really good idea:
1) It keeps you from obsessing
Admit it, you've been in that oh-so-crazy-making place of obsessing over some guy, wondering if he's going to call, wondering if he's dating someone else. My own obsessions were frequently with guys I didn't even like. But because he was the only guy on my radar, I'd start obsessing about him!
I don't know if it's hardwired into the female brain, but I don't know any woman who hasn't had this experience.
If you're dating more than one guy, however, obsession is less likely to get you in its grip. You're simply not as liable to stress over what the guy from Tuesday's date is thinking/feeling/doing if you've got a date with someone else on Friday.
Magic!
2) You get to compare and contrast
Be honest: you want to find the best match for you, right? You want someone who is going to treat you like the queen you are, someone honest, loving and willing. (And of course it wouldn't suck if he's hot, too.)
But how do you tell if a guy's the best match for you if you never compare him to other guys? If you couple up right away, you never really know for sure if you've picked Mr. Right, or Mr. Best-Thing-That-Was-Available-At-The-Time.
No matter what anyone might tell you, no matter what the latest media sensation might claim, settling sucks.
And believe me, he doesn't want to feel like the default selection. Would you?
When you're juggling multiple dates, taking your time to get to know several guys at once, you get to really experience each guy for who he is, and how he treats you.
Maybe Guy A is a great kisser, but is always late to pick you up, and interrupts you constantly; while Guy B is really shy, but arranges everything around your comfort and happiness; and Guy C is TOTALLY HOT, but arrogant as shit.
While you may notice a guy's qualities, I can tell you from experience that they stand out a helluva lot more clearly when you've got side-by-side comparisons!
Sometimes it's even useful to keep dating a guy you know doesn't treat you as well as you'd like – what Lu calls an Icky – because when you're dating other guys as well you'll be more likely to see his icky behavior for what it is.
And quite possibly even get yourself out of a long-term habit of falling for Mr. Wrong.
In any case, with side-by-side comparisons you're in a much better position to put your energy into a guy who's really going to be right for you, instead of wasting another big chunk of your life (admit it, you've done this more than once) on Mr. Best-Thing-That-Was-Available-At-The-Time.
3) You're less likely to jump in too fast
How often have you jumped into a relationship, only to realize a few weeks or months down the road that things are not all as rosy as you'd thought in the first blush of infatuation? But by this time you're both invested, so you spend tons of energy trying to make things work.
Don't get me wrong: a relationship will always require work – that's the nature of the beast – but if you're working too hard, it ain't working!
When I look back at my long-term relationships, I seriously doubt whether I'd have ended up with most of them if I'd been dating lots of other guys at the same time. First of all, I wouldn't have been in such a rush to pair off with the first guy I felt an ounce of chemistry with. And second of all, I think I would have been more likely to notice – and flag – the areas that would become ongoing issues.
Keeping things light, and moving slowly, helps prevent I Jumped In Too Soon/LTR Regret Syndrome, and when you're dating lots of guys, and just enjoying the experience of dating – without concentrating on getting your M.R.S. or finding a baby-daddy – this is much easier to do.
4) You cultivate an abundance mindset
Oh, how we women love to complain about the dearth of good men. "They all suck," is the constant refrain.
Sometimes it really does feel that way, but in fact, there are really great guys out there! I've been on dates with a lot of them!
Were they all for me? No. But meeting so many good guys made me realize that the situation is not really as hopeless as it sometimes feels.
Sure, it can get frustrating when you're going on your 22nd (or 44th or 57th) date and still haven't found someone you could imagine sharing your life with. (I know, because I've been there.) BUT, going out a lot, meeting lots of different guys, experiencing that there are good ones out there, helps cultivate a mindset of abundance, rather than scarcity.
When you're in a scarcity mindset, you're likely to settle for the first guy who comes your way, because you fear he may be the only option to spinsterhood you'll ever have.
Well fuck that noise!
You are a phenomenal catch! You deserve the best, and when you cultivate an attitude of abundance you're more likely to attract it and recognize it.
And you know The Secret, right? Whether you're a woo-woo person or not, living in an attitude of abundance simply brings more good stuff your way. Plus it's just a lot more pleasant way to live.
5) It takes the pressure off... for both of you!
Have you ever had a guy be way too into you from the start? Scary, isn't it? It makes you want to run the other direction.
Guys are the same way. The biggest way to scare a guy off is to make him feel pressured (as Lu puts it, "poke him with your ring finger or your fallopian tube.")
But guess what: if he knows you're dating other guys, the pressure's off!
And if you've got another date with someone else next week, your less likely to rush forward inappropriately.
6) It brings out the best in men!
I was skeptical about this part. Lu claims that men, being born hunters and loving the thrill of the chase as they do, will up their game if they know they're competing.
Turns out she's right.
Competition does, indeed, bring out their good sportsmanship and inner chivalry. Not in every case, sure, but in most cases, if a guy is really interested in you, if he knows he's not the only one on the field he will play his darnedest to prove to you he's the best candidate.
He will do whatever he can to win you.
And if he doesn't, then that tells you something useful, doesn't it? Don't you want a guy who is so into you that he'll navigate any obstacles in his path?
In this way dating multiple guys at once (as long as you're totally honest about it) acts as a fantastic filter mechanism! The guys who are in it to win it will stay in the game, while the others will naturally drop out.
Brilliant!
7) It's FUN (dammit)!
Cindy Lu's tagline for The Four Man Plan is "Have fun, dammit!" Which ROCKS.
Sometimes the quest for a partner can feel way more like work than play. Meet & greet 1st dates start to feel like job interviews, when they should be something to look forward to!
Even if you don't think a particular date is promising for the long term, even if you may never see the guy again (though I think The Four Man Plan's postulate of a 2-Date Minimum is wise, and highly recommend it), there's no reason why you can't have a perfectly enjoyable evening.
Dating more than one guy at a time can help make each individual date less pressurey and stressful. And having lots of guys competing for your attention totally doesn't suck!
Granted, it isn't always the way it pans out. Sometimes there are long dry spells, which totally do suck. But when you do have a few different guys pursuing you and making you feel wonderful, it's fun!
That alone, is worth the price of admission.
In Summary
Hopefully I've convinced you to try this retro-dating thing, if you haven't already done so.
For lots of additional tips, I encourage you to pick up a copy of The Four Man Plan (if you can find it; Lu told me that the books in the US warehouse were shredded when that division of the publishing house folded, so it's become a scarce commodity. And no, I'm not giving away my copy!) Check it out, and give it a try.
Then come back here and tell me how it worked for you. It's not for everyone, but if what you've been doing so far hasn't been working (and if you're reading this, then I'm guessing it hasn't), it might be time for a change.
Maybe you'll even come up with some more reasons why this is a great way to date.
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*This is not a heavy conversation; quite the contrary, the more matter-of-factly you can slip it into conversation, the better.
For example: "I'm having such a great time dating, and of all the guys I'm seeing, you are the funniest!"
Or, here's one I've used multiple times, when guys would comment on my restricted phone number showing up in their Caller ID: "Yeah, with all the dating I'm doing lately, I decided it would be safer to keep my phone number private until I get to know someone. You can't be too safe these days!"
Most women find this part excruciatingly hard, and expect that men will react badly when they hear they're not the only guy on your dance card. In my experience, the opposite was true: in most cases they didn't even flinch! (Sometimes I wasn't even sure if they heard me.)
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
Book Review: The Four Man Plan by Cindy Lu
The Four Man Plan: The Book
I stumbled upon The Four Man Plan while cruising online dating sites one night. "Are you single?" the banner ad flashed, "Very, very single? If you want to find the ONE man... You need to be dating FOUR men!"
Huh?
I clicked through, read a bit more, and watched video excerpts from the one-woman show that inspired the book.
The author/actress was a crack-up, and while I didn't expect to really learn anything useful from the book, I figured the $16 cover price would be worth it for the entertainment value alone, so I handed over my credit card.
The Four Man Plan did, indeed prove to be highly entertaining, but what really surprised me was how brilliant Lu's system turned out to be. I've never been the evangelizing type, but I have to admit I've told more women about this book than I can count. It's not for everyone, but if what you've been doing to find a mate hasn't been working for you, and if you're ready and willing to try something new, I highly recommend opening your mind and reading this book.
In a nutshell, Lu offers a system that looks remarkably like the way my mom dated in the 50s: spend time getting to know lots of different men at the same time. There's much more to it than that, but that's the core of the Plan. I'll elaborate in a moment, but let's first address this key concept.
Having grown up post-Sexual Revolution, the idea of dating more than one guy at a time was completely foreign to me. Anathema, even. My mom now tells me that she thought my friends and I were all nuts, trying to partner up with one person right away without first "shopping around" and dating several.
But in my generation, dating implied sex, even if you weren't actually having any, and anything that smacked remotely of "sleeping around" would get you labeled as a slut so fast it would make your head spin.
One of the things Lu discovered in her own journey (which she shares in the first section of the book) was that, contrary to her belief that the way to snare a man is to throw your ankles behind your ears at the earliest opportunity, in fact, waiting for sex actually made men respect her more and treat her better.
Wow!
And sleeping around made men disrespect her (she calls it having "penis cooties"), plus it did not make her feel good about herself.
So Lu set out to codify the lessons she was learning into a system, the Four Man Plan (or 4MP), based on honesty, open-mindedness and respect. As she said in an interview with Singles365,
The Four Man Plan changes your perspective and turns dating into an absolute soul searching pleasure, because it takes the focus away from finding a lifelong partner to deciding what it is you really want.
When you start the Four Man Plan, you’ll find your perspective changes. Dating isn’t about the hunt for one incredible man, it’s about being the most amazing woman that you are in any situation and falling in love with yourself.
On page 6 of the book Lu outlines reasonable expectations for any gal who gives the 4MP a college try:
- Raise your self-esteem
- Choose and encourage men of quality and honor
- Become the selector, not the selectee
- Find emotional balance
- Update a long-malfunctioning system of love
- Make single life way more fun
The 4MP is based on the idea that men are wired to compete for mates, whereas women... well, although competition brings out a man's inner chivalry, competition for men turns us into obsessive raving maniacs.
Look at the animal kingdom: it's always the males who are fighting and preening, trying to atract the females. Somehow in our species the mating ritual has been turned on on its head, with women out-sleezing each other to try and snag a guy, and men becoming lazy mofos, like zoo lions feasting on prepackaged meat.
What they want is the thrill of the hunt!
To that end, one of the rules of the Plan is that every man you're dating must know, by the end of the 2nd date at the latest, that you're also dating other people.
This is the hardest aspect of the Plan for most women to put into action, but in my personal experience (and honey, I dated 57 men in a 2 1/2 year period), most guys don't even flinch. In fact, knowing that you're also seeing other guys takes the pressure off, because they don't expect you to "poke them with your ring finger or fallopian tube," as Lu puts it. What a relief!
Lu again:
Letting men know that you’re dating but not sleeping with other men does a number of critical things. It lets the men know they are competing and if there is one thing men know how to do, it’s compete!
Suddenly, armed with the knowledge that they are one of a number of choices, they become more chivalrous, more interested and more honest about their own situation.
If they aren’t interested, they simply fall away with no drama – but if they are keen, it makes it crucial that at some point they will have to request, rather than assume exclusivity.
These days, in the world of internet dating, it’s almost assumed that all parties are “shopping.” But serial monogamy, indiscriminate sex and obsessive husband hunting has gotten more and more common, so it’s important to let your men know that you aren’t that kind of girl!
The 4MP is filled with all sorts of math-related hypotheses and postulates, and I found the tongue-in-cheek "scientific" metaphor a hoot. Lu's writing style is raunchy and sharp, filled with laugh-out-loud humor. It's a quick read (I read the entire book in a couple of hours during one insomniac night), but don't let its breeziness fool you: the system Lu offers is sound, and could transform dating for you from a dreaded exercise into a fun way to find yourself while looking for love.
It sure did for me!
The Four Man Plan: The Fourum
The Four Man Plan Forum (www.thefourmanplan.com)
To really get the most out of the 4MP, I recommend getting involved on the 4MP forum (Fourum), where women of all ages and backgrounds share their dating adventures, fears and concerns. Insights gleaned from other 4MPlanners can be invaluable, and sometimes Cindy Lu herself pops in with advice or encouragement.
For me, the Fourum was like a journal that talked back. The Plan on its own is great, but combined with the support and feedback from the Fourum it was turbocharged growth.
Tell 'em I sent you!
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You may also like:
Author Interview: Cindy Lu of The Four Man Plan
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Have you ever dated more than one guy at a time?
Were you honest about it with them, or did you hide it?
What was that experience like for you?
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
Author Interview: Cindy Lu of The Four Man Plan
One night, while staying up way too late roaming about the various online dating sites of which I was a member, an advertisement caught my eye. "Are you single?" it asked, "Very, very single?" The animation then asserted that in order to find that ONE man, I needed to be dating FOUR men... at the same time!
This concept was more than I could wrap my little good-girl head around, so naturally my curiosity got the better of me. I clicked, and landed on a site advertising the book, complete with a video of the author performing in a one-woman show of the same name.
"Okay," I thought, "I can't imagine this book has anything really useful to teach me, but this chick cracks me up, so it's got to be worth it for the entertainment value alone."
Little did I know...
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
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