"I love hiking and walking on the beach. Will you join me?"

"I love to dance — I'm looking for a good dance partner."

"I like bike riding, Mexican food, and nursing a beer with some good live music, but it's much better with someone to share."

Sound familiar? It seems like every online dating profile you look at talks about interests. It's all about what you like to do.

Of course it's nice to have common interests. I'm not immune to that desire. There was a brief time, after being spoiled by a 3-year relationship with a talented musician boyfriend, when one of my must-haves was musical chops. Okay, I'll be honest: I was looking for a jazz musician. Until I came to the conclusion that this pretty much limited my dating pool to the size of one of those inflatable kiddie wading units. Plus the fact (albeit a generalization) that musicians aren't known for being the most reliable characters.

But let's not go down that road.

What I'm interested in here is actually not interests: it's values.

You'll notice that very few profiles talk about values, yet if you think about it, common values are way more important in a relationship than common interests.

So what's the difference? Think of interests as what you like to do, and values as who you are.

My friend Fawn wrote a great post about interests and values recently. Which got me thinking about it, and how values and interests play out in my own life.

For example, I value fitness and health. My interests that support these values include long walks by the Bay and doing lots of yoga.

But the fact is, if I met someone who loved, say, bicycling and rock climbing, I could probably be fairly easily convinced to spend less time at my interests in order to join him in his interests, at least part of the time.

Hopefully he'd be willing to try out my interests too, but if not, we could probably still work it out. However, if I met someone who didn't share my value in a healthy, fit body, and who liked to spend his time watching TV, well, it probably wouldn't be a very good match.

I also value open, honest communication and commitment through thick and thin. All the affinity, compatibility and common interests in the world will never make up for a partner who bails when things get tough because he doesn't share my values. (I've learned this one the hard way.)

I've learned that I need to find out who someone is, not just what he likes to do.

How do you do that? People don't always express their values as clearly as their interests, so it behooves you to watch for warning signs and red flags, and pay attention!

If you value generosity, and you notice he's a stingy tipper, that may not be a good match.

If you value family, and he moved out of state from his kids and barely keeps in contact with them, he may not be the right guy for you, no matter how much fun you have with him.

If you value security and he's 45, with not a penny to his name and no plans to save or invest for the future, I wouldn't bet on a lifetime of happiness together.

If you value honesty and maturity, and his stories of past relationships reveal a less than stellar record in this regard, let's just say that past results may indeed be an indicator of what you can expect in the future.

The important thing is to get very clear about what your values are. As my friend Fawn writes,

...my primary value these days is being clear about my values (and then sticking to them, come what may). And anyone who tempts me to violate them is someone I need not to let too far into my life — no matter how many interests we might have in common.

Amen, sister!

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

So why, I've been asked (more than once), would a "good girl" like myself post a profile on a site whose tagline is "meet real sex partners tonight"?

Actually, plenty of reasons. Here are 8 of them.

1) You get to practice boundary-setting

A lot of us good girls are so nice to everyone that we need some practice saying "no," as well as in basic boundary-setting. Dating in general will provide you with tons of opportunities to practice, but sometimes it's handy to have a venue where it's really, really easy to say no.

When you put up a profile on a site like AFF (especially if you include some [tasteful and artistic] nude shots, you'll likely be inundated with emails. Yes, the vast majority of those emails will be from guys you will never have any interest in responding to (as shown in my Great Age Experiment), but that's precisely the point!

When you get practice saying no (or simply ignoring) under very easy circumstances, it strengthens your limit-setting muscles for use in more challenging situations. This is a good thing.

2) You get to be very clear about what you want

This one is interesting, and came as a surprise to me. The very act of composing my profile for AFF was wonderfully liberating.

Because you get to talk about things that would be censored out of a profile on a "legit" dating site, it gives you an amazing sense of freedom to talk about, well, you know, stuff you can't talk about on a "legit" dating site.

In other words, you get to really lay out on the table everything you're looking for behind the bedroom door. You don't have to wait until an "appropriate" time in the dating process to make your kinks preferences known.

Try it. You may find that you even discover things about yourself you didn't know before!

Yes, it's a little weird, granted, to be so upfront about this stuff, but it's also kind of cool. The conversations I had with the men I met on AFF – in emails and on dates – were a lot more matter-of-fact about... well, stuff.

Let's face it, we live in a pretty uptight society, and I personally find it a relief to let some of that uptightness go.

3) You get an ego boost

Okay, a shallow ego boost, granted, and frequently illiterate and/or somewhat (or entirely) disgusting, but what girl can't use an ego boost once in awhile?

If you're not having much luck on the "legit" sites, try putting up a profile on AFF. If you're female and you have a body, you'll likely get a response. You'll feel pretty popular for at least a few seconds.

4) You get a fascinating insight into the nature of men

Um, yeah. In other words, they're very much driven by the little head.

Not always what you want to know, but information is power, you know?

5) You get confirmation of your value on the marketplace

Should you ever decide to turn pro. Just sayin'.

6) You get to see a wider range of penises than you ever thought possible

Yes, it's true. Men are obsessed with them. If you ever prayed to God for a place where you could see hundreds of teeny-tiny pics of cocks, all in one place, here's your paydirt.

7) You get a sense of power

Again, limited, but still. Especially if you feel like men have all the power in the dating world, like you're up on the auction block, waiting passively for someone, anyone, to bid on you, putting a profile up on AFF may help you get back to the place where we women belong: we are the selectors; they are the selectees.

(Which takes us back to numbers 1 & 2. You're in charge here, sister.)

8) You never know, but something really good may even come out of it

Hey, I know this is unlikely, but seriously, you never know!

I personally met some awesome guys, real gentlemen, if you can believe it. Think about it: you're on the site, right? And you're a "good girl" and a really cool person. So it makes sense that some (granted few, but some) guys on the site are also really cool people.

I met a number of guys who also had profiles on "legit" sites, and were (like me) looking for the Real Thing, not just a hookup. It happens.

--

Give it a try – I dare you! Then let me know what happens.

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

Part of an ongoing, periodic series in which the illustrious Dating Queen (that being me) draws on her vast dating experience to answer the questions of readers in the most queenly of fashions.

In other words, I'll blather on about what I think, and you're free to take it or leave it.

No, I'm not a therapist, but I've done a lot of dating (seriously, in one 2 1/2 year stretch I dated 57 men, which by default makes me something of an expert), and I've got me some opinions, which I'm oh, so happy to share.

Wanna play? Just click here and send me your question. I can't promise an answer to every question I receive, but I'll respond to your email regardless.

Now, onto today's question!

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Subj: Ohhh Dating Guru.....!

Ok- there is this guy on match...he is German, seems really cool, I think we have a lot in common....why am i so scared...almost don't want to meet up with him!

• And iz it okay to write within a couple of hours of receiving their response...or should one wait?
• He is already asking if I want to go to the beach with him and or an art gallery and we have only traded three emails..is that okay?
• Waz Frankenstein German? Could he use me in a science experiement?
• AM WAY TOO SCARED TO DATE ANYONE; THAT IS WHY I AM PERPETUALLY SINGLE - and I can't spell! :(

Help Dating Guru - HELP

Signed,
German-a-fied!

----

Dear German-a-fied,

Ah, yes, it sounds like the old I'm-really-interested-in-this-guy-and-I-really-want-him-to-be-The-One-and-I'll-be-so-bummed-out-if-he-doesn't-like-me syndrome. In cases like this, feeling scared is perfectly normal.

What to do about it? Ignore it.

The Dating Queen's prescription for this particular syndrome is to date as much as you possibly can. Not just this guy, but anyone who'll ask you out. Set your inner moderator on "Yes," and go out with every guy who invites you — short, tall, thin, fat, rich, poor. That way, when you go out on a date you're more likely to approach it as a potentially interesting and hopefully-at-least-mildly-enjoyable experience, rather than a high stakes interview.

The goal is to get you to go into each date feeling curious and interested to find out who this person is and whether you like him, not stressed and anxious about whether he's going to like you.

Remember, you are assessing him. You are looking for the right guy for you. If he's not interested in you it actually says nothing about you; it just tells you he's not the right guy. (And naturally it says a lot about his poor taste. His loss.)

"And iz it okay to write within a couple of hours of receiving their response...or should one wait?"

I'm not a believer in game-playing, so if you're at your computer and the urge strikes, I say write him back! Those initial exchanges can be a lot of fun.

Just be aware that if you want to know who someone really is, let alone whether there's any chemistry, you've got to spend time with him in 3-D. (And since guys tend to get really nervous on a first date, which sometimes makes them act totally weird, unless he's clearly icky or married or otherwise inappropriate, I subscribe to a Two Date Minimum, as described in the Four Man Plan.)

Here's the thing: the only thing you can learn about a guy from email is that he gives good email.

Same with phone: the only thing you can learn about a guy from a phone call is that he gives good phone.

Sure, you can learns facts about someone, and you can read (or listen) between the lines to intuit whether the guy's a nutcase (very good to know before you meet at Starbucks), but whether he's a match for you? Uh uh. You're not gonna get that info from email or phone.

"He is already asking if I want to go to the beach with him and or an art gallery and we have only traded three emails..is that okay?"

Lovely! You've got an invitation! My recommendation (and personal M.O.) is to meet up as soon as reasonably possible, and it sounds like Mr. German Guy may have the same (obviously brilliant) M.O. Why invest more emotional energy than necessary on email and phone when the chances you'll really float each other's boats are, let's face it, rather slim?

This guy may turn out to be your Prince Charming (and I'd be the first to cheer if he does), but right now he's just some guy. One of the thousands of guys out there who might hold initial appeal. Don't stress over it; just see it for what it is: a first date.

Remember, the only real purpose for a first date is to see if there's mutual interest in a second date. Period.

If either of his suggestions appeal to you, go for it! If you're concerned about whether you'll hit it off enough to warrant a "real" date, you can always suggest a quick "meet'n'greet" date at Starbucks first, and if all goes well, schedule the beach or art gallery for your next date.

"Waz Frankenstein German? Could he use me in a science experiement?"

I believe Frankenstein was German. I actually read Mary Shelley's novel years ago, but must confess I can't honestly remember. It's possible he was Austrian or Swiss, and I'm too lazy right now to look it up on Wikipedia.

However, unless Mr. German Guy were super crafty, he probably couldn't use you in a science experiment without your consent. And he wouldn't be able to turn you into an animated corpse (which is what Frankenstein's monster was) unless you were dead. And for the record, The Dating Queen always advises that if you think someone is going to try to make you dead, run the other way, fast.

This is one reason why I also advise to always meet a new person in a well-lit public area where lots of people are around, no matter how un-Frankenstein-like they may seem. (And of course, never give out personal information like your address or a traceable phone number. Cell phones are safer than land lines for this reason, and TDQ's phones are set on ID blocking, much to the annoyance of friends and family. I also advise having a separate, web-based email account for online dating. The usual stuff.)

"AM WAY TOO SCARED TO DATE ANYONE; THAT IS WHY I AM PERPETUALLY SINGLE - and I can't spell! :("

As to the first part, if you want to not be perpetually single, you are going to have to learn to (in the words of Susan Jeffers) feel the fear and do it anyway. This is where going out with men you're not particularly excited about can help!

First, you'll be desensitizing yourself to dating in general. And second, you may discover that guys you'd previously shunned are actually quite wonderful, and possibly better for you than the guys you tend to be drawn to. Think about it: the guys you've been attracted to in the past haven't exactly worked out in the long run, have they?

As to the second part, that's why God invented spell-check.

Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

Kisses,

The Dating Queen
aka The Dating Guru

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

Part of an ongoing series, in which your intrepid correspondent offers herself as a guinea pig in an admittedly not-very scientific online dating experiment to determine, once and for all, whether a younger age on her profile will result in greater response to said profile.

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Week 4 Update

(Click here to read parts one, two, three and four in this series.)

For four weeks now your correspondent has braved the match.com trenches with a false age on her profile and posted the results. She'll admit, it was kind of fun at first, but honestly, it's getting rather boring.

Here's the scoop: 7 years' age difference did not increase the number of responses (contrary to the prelimary hypothesis), and in fact, the number of profile views is at this point exactly half the number of views of the actual-age match.com profile during the same time span.

The number of match.com emails from guys who might possibly be worthy of a meeting was exactly the same: 2. So in fact, the ratio of quality men to responses did improve, though the actual number of responses dropped in half.

Granted, the "fresh meat" factor may have contributed to the higher response rate in the previous month, when your correspondent's profile first went up (with her actual age). (Online daters tend to flock to new profiles like flies to honey, whereas they avoid older ones as if they were milk cartons past their pull date.) A new experiment would be required to test if the "fresh meat" theory actually made a difference in this case, but your correspondent is frankly sick and tired of this particular experiment, and is looking forward to being her actual age again.

(In other words, if you want to test the theory yourself, run your own damn experiment.)

The not-so scientific summary of the data

Totally unscientific lessons learned from this experiment:

1. If you're interested in quantity of profile views, winks, hotlists and emails, a tasteful black and white nude art photo on AFF will net dramatically better results than an attractive face pic on match.com
2. If you're interested in the quality of responses, match.com will return a higher ratio than AFF (duh)
3. If you're interested in pure (though admittedly raunchy) entertainment value, and you don't mind unsolicited pee-pee pics and tasteless, frequently illiterate replies, AFF is the way to go
4. For all intents and purposes, it sure as hell looks like 7 years doesn't make a damn bit of positive difference in terms of response rate. (At age 43, at least.)

In other words, ladies, stop whining that it's your age, and get up on AFF if you want a flood of email in your box.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to take down this stale profile, make some edits, and put it back up in a few weeks to take advantage of the "fresh meat" factor once again.

Over and out.

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

Part of an ongoing series, in which your intrepid correspondent offers herself as a guinea pig in an admittedly not-very scientific online dating experiment to determine, once and for all, whether a younger age on her profile will result in greater response to said profile.

--

Week 2 Update

(Click here to read parts one and two in this series.)

A brief debrief this week. Another 7 days on Match.com and AFF, and as expected, the "fresh blood" effect has cooled a bit. No new emails or winks on Match, and your correspondent has been un-hotlisted by one admirer, thereby bringing the hotlist number down by one.

Fresh blood is less of an issue on AFF, where the views and emails continue unabated. (1,826 views and 45 flirts [or technically: hugs/kisses/smiles/spanks/waves/winks] in the past week alone.) The charms of the unclothed feminine form seem never to grow tiresome. Though of course the "quality" of the responses is less than marginal (unless your correspondent were simply looking for "1on1" or someone who is "more than GOOD size DOWN THERE").

The slow-down is only to be expected. After many go-rounds online in the past decade, your correspondent has learned from experience that the shelf life of a new profile is, in fact, just about one week. A new pic and new copy might draw in some new searchers, but this is science, people, and we mustn't mess with the experiment.

(Plus your correspondent is busy with other things and doesn't actually care at the moment if she goes on any dates or not. Which is just as well, it appears.)

The results

At just shy of the half-way point, our 30-day experiment is so far showing a statistically negligible* difference in overall responses to the different aged profiles. Don't crack open the champagne yet, but for you 40-somethings, it's looking like your complaints that your advanced age is the reason why you're not getting any dates is just not cutting it.

Hmnh.

And again, if you're looking for quantity (if not quality), you may want to check out some other venues.

Another 16 days to go. Watch for another report in about a week.

*Your correspondent doesn't actually know if it's statistically negligible or not, she just likes saying "statistically negligible."

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

When I was in high school and college, nobody really dated. You might go out with someone once or twice, but you pretty much decided up front whether to make a go of the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, and then either became "an item," or not.

And dating more than one person at a time? It just wasn't done.

In my mom's era, though, things were totally different. Things were lighter then, it seems. You went out with lots of different people – to the drive-in, the soda shop, or wherever it was young adults went in those days.

You got to know lots of different guys before you went steady with one of them.

Apparently, my mom thought the whole hook-up-with-one-person-right-away dating M.O. of my youth was nuts, and decades after the fact, I'm now inclined to agree with her.

I didn't come to this conclusion easily, however. I remember, years ago, talking to a girlfriend who confessed she'd dated two men at the same time for awhile, and I was shocked! Not to mention very, very curious.

How did it work?

Did the guys know about each other?

Did she sleep with both of them?

Wasn't it emotionally confusing?

I seriously did not think I could ever do this myself.

But that was before I picked up The Four Man Plan, by Cindy Lu.

Retro-Dating: A New (Old) Approach

Lu presents an alternate approach to the quest for a mate, which says that in order to find the one man who's right for her, a girl should always be dating four men... at the same time!

It's a bit more complex than that, and the number of men on the radar is really not necessarily four (read my review for more details), but the upshot is to date more than one at the same time.

Lest you fear that 4MPlanning is a deceptive, sneaky tactic, let me assure you that part of the deal is complete honesty: you must make it very clear to every guy you're seeing that he is not the only one.* You are getting to know lots of different people at the same time.

Caveat: dating more than one man at the same time does not mean sleeping with more than one man at the same time. In fact, if you're following the rules of The Four Man Plan, you are explicitly not allowed to sleep with more than one guy at a time.

I suspect that my generation's squeamishness about dating lots of guys at once is because I'm of a post-Sexual Revolution generation, in which it's generally sort of assumed that if you're dating someone, you must be sleeping together. Whereas in my mom's era the opposite was true: birth control was unpredictable, the morés were different, and although some people were having sex, it was assumed that you weren't. Dating implied nothing more than getting to know someone.

This, I propose, is a vastly superior way to approach dating! Hooray for retro-dating!

So, why date more than one?

Having followed The Four Man Plan almost to the letter for a year and a half (and having dated over 45 men during that time [there's a reason I'm The Dating Queen]), I consider myself something of an authority on the benefits of this way of dating.

However, if you're feeling a bit uncomfortable with the dating more than one guy thing, I understand – I've been there! To ease your transition, here are 7 reasons why dating more than one guy at a time is a really good idea:

1) It keeps you from obsessing

Admit it, you've been in that oh-so-crazy-making place of obsessing over some guy, wondering if he's going to call, wondering if he's dating someone else. My own obsessions were frequently with guys I didn't even like. But because he was the only guy on my radar, I'd start obsessing about him!

I don't know if it's hardwired into the female brain, but I don't know any woman who hasn't had this experience.

If you're dating more than one guy, however, obsession is less likely to get you in its grip. You're simply not as liable to stress over what the guy from Tuesday's date is thinking/feeling/doing if you've got a date with someone else on Friday.

Magic!

2) You get to compare and contrast

Be honest: you want to find the best match for you, right? You want someone who is going to treat you like the queen you are, someone honest, loving and willing. (And of course it wouldn't suck if he's hot, too.)

But how do you tell if a guy's the best match for you if you never compare him to other guys? If you couple up right away, you never really know for sure if you've picked Mr. Right, or Mr. Best-Thing-That-Was-Available-At-The-Time.

No matter what anyone might tell you, no matter what the latest media sensation might claim, settling sucks.

And believe me, he doesn't want to feel like the default selection. Would you?

When you're juggling multiple dates, taking your time to get to know several guys at once, you get to really experience each guy for who he is, and how he treats you.

Maybe Guy A is a great kisser, but is always late to pick you up, and interrupts you constantly; while Guy B is really shy, but arranges everything around your comfort and happiness; and Guy C is TOTALLY HOT, but arrogant as shit.

While you may notice a guy's qualities, I can tell you from experience that they stand out a helluva lot more clearly when you've got side-by-side comparisons!

Sometimes it's even useful to keep dating a guy you know doesn't treat you as well as you'd like – what Lu calls an Icky – because when you're dating other guys as well you'll be more likely to see his icky behavior for what it is.

And quite possibly even get yourself out of a long-term habit of falling for Mr. Wrong.

In any case, with side-by-side comparisons you're in a much better position to put your energy into a guy who's really going to be right for you, instead of wasting another big chunk of your life (admit it, you've done this more than once) on Mr. Best-Thing-That-Was-Available-At-The-Time.

3) You're less likely to jump in too fast

How often have you jumped into a relationship, only to realize a few weeks or months down the road that things are not all as rosy as you'd thought in the first blush of infatuation? But by this time you're both invested, so you spend tons of energy trying to make things work.

Don't get me wrong: a relationship will always require work – that's the nature of the beast – but if you're working too hard, it ain't working!

When I look back at my long-term relationships, I seriously doubt whether I'd have ended up with most of them if I'd been dating lots of other guys at the same time. First of all, I wouldn't have been in such a rush to pair off with the first guy I felt an ounce of chemistry with. And second of all, I think I would have been more likely to notice – and flag – the areas that would become ongoing issues.

Keeping things light, and moving slowly, helps prevent I Jumped In Too Soon/LTR Regret Syndrome, and when you're dating lots of guys, and just enjoying the experience of dating – without concentrating on getting your M.R.S. or finding a baby-daddy – this is much easier to do.

4) You cultivate an abundance mindset

Oh, how we women love to complain about the dearth of good men. "They all suck," is the constant refrain.

Sometimes it really does feel that way, but in fact, there are really great guys out there! I've been on dates with a lot of them!

Were they all for me? No. But meeting so many good guys made me realize that the situation is not really as hopeless as it sometimes feels.

Sure, it can get frustrating when you're going on your 22nd (or 44th or 57th) date and still haven't found someone you could imagine sharing your life with. (I know, because I've been there.) BUT, going out a lot, meeting lots of different guys, experiencing that there are good ones out there, helps cultivate a mindset of abundance, rather than scarcity.

When you're in a scarcity mindset, you're likely to settle for the first guy who comes your way, because you fear he may be the only option to spinsterhood you'll ever have.

Well fuck that noise!

You are a phenomenal catch! You deserve the best, and when you cultivate an attitude of abundance you're more likely to attract it and recognize it.

And you know The Secret, right? Whether you're a woo-woo person or not, living in an attitude of abundance simply brings more good stuff your way. Plus it's just a lot more pleasant way to live.

5) It takes the pressure off... for both of you!

Have you ever had a guy be way too into you from the start? Scary, isn't it? It makes you want to run the other direction.

Guys are the same way. The biggest way to scare a guy off is to make him feel pressured (as Lu puts it, "poke him with your ring finger or your fallopian tube.")

But guess what: if he knows you're dating other guys, the pressure's off!

And if you've got another date with someone else next week, your less likely to rush forward inappropriately.

6) It brings out the best in men!

I was skeptical about this part. Lu claims that men, being born hunters and loving the thrill of the chase as they do, will up their game if they know they're competing.

Turns out she's right.

Competition does, indeed, bring out their good sportsmanship and inner chivalry. Not in every case, sure, but in most cases, if a guy is really interested in you, if he knows he's not the only one on the field he will play his darnedest to prove to you he's the best candidate.

He will do whatever he can to win you.

And if he doesn't, then that tells you something useful, doesn't it? Don't you want a guy who is so into you that he'll navigate any obstacles in his path?

In this way dating multiple guys at once (as long as you're totally honest about it) acts as a fantastic filter mechanism! The guys who are in it to win it will stay in the game, while the others will naturally drop out.

Brilliant!

7) It's FUN (dammit)!

Cindy Lu's tagline for The Four Man Plan is "Have fun, dammit!" Which ROCKS.

Sometimes the quest for a partner can feel way more like work than play. Meet & greet 1st dates start to feel like job interviews, when they should be something to look forward to!

Even if you don't think a particular date is promising for the long term, even if you may never see the guy again (though I think The Four Man Plan's postulate of a 2-Date Minimum is wise, and highly recommend it), there's no reason why you can't have a perfectly enjoyable evening.

Dating more than one guy at a time can help make each individual date less pressurey and stressful. And having lots of guys competing for your attention totally doesn't suck!

Granted, it isn't always the way it pans out. Sometimes there are long dry spells, which totally do suck. But when you do have a few different guys pursuing you and making you feel wonderful, it's fun!

That alone, is worth the price of admission.

In Summary

Hopefully I've convinced you to try this retro-dating thing, if you haven't already done so.

For lots of additional tips, I encourage you to pick up a copy of The Four Man Plan (if you can find it; Lu told me that the books in the US warehouse were shredded when that division of the publishing house folded, so it's become a scarce commodity. And no, I'm not giving away my copy!) Check it out, and give it a try.

Then come back here and tell me how it worked for you. It's not for everyone, but if what you've been doing so far hasn't been working (and if you're reading this, then I'm guessing it hasn't), it might be time for a change.

Maybe you'll even come up with some more reasons why this is a great way to date.

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*This is not a heavy conversation; quite the contrary, the more matter-of-factly you can slip it into conversation, the better.

For example: "I'm having such a great time dating, and of all the guys I'm seeing, you are the funniest!"

Or, here's one I've used multiple times, when guys would comment on my restricted phone number showing up in their Caller ID: "Yeah, with all the dating I'm doing lately, I decided it would be safer to keep my phone number private until I get to know someone. You can't be too safe these days!"

Most women find this part excruciatingly hard, and expect that men will react badly when they hear they're not the only guy on your dance card. In my experience, the opposite was true: in most cases they didn't even flinch! (Sometimes I wasn't even sure if they heard me.)

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

Have you ever posted a profile online and lied about your age?

When I first tried out online dating, I was in my early 30s, and age didn't seem to be an issue. But as I approached the big four-oh things seemed to change.

Sure, my profile went through multiple variations, and photos came and went, but I was blessed with young-looking genes, and underneath it all I was the same person.

Yet each time I'd get back online during a single spell my response rate dramatically declined.

At first, there was the ticking biological clock. It's an unpleasant feeling knowing that you're being assessed primarily as a breeder, only secondarily as a partner. I've been on that date more than once.

Now, however, I'm no longer interested in breeding, and I'm of an age where most of the men in my cohort have either already done their procreating, or they've made the decision to keep the family jewels in check (sometimes surgically – which is, I must confess, always a bonus!)

Of course there are plenty of men out there in their 40s and 50s who still want to see their oats sprout, whether wildly or not, but it's not hard finding guys in this age range who don't want kids.

So why the dramatic decline in interest?

I was left to wonder if was mostly due to my age. It's possible that I wrote less compelling profile bios over time, but that seems unlikely.

From what I could tell, the only things that really changed were 1) my expressed desire not to have kids, and 2) the number attached to my age.

For years I fantasized about performing an experiment: put up two profiles, identical but for my stated age. Would it make a difference, I wondered?

The problem was, I'm a pathologically honest person.

(Well, not quite true, though I had to write it because the idea of being pathologically honest just cracks me up. I confess I've told my share of "white lies." And one time I talked myself out of a ticket with a darn good acting job. And then there was the time when I was six, and I did god-knows-what that really pissed off my mom, and as punishment she forbade me from watching The Brady Bunch, and in a precocious attempt at reverse psychology I tried to convince her that I actually hated The Brady Bunch, and the worst punishment she could give me would be to make me watch the show.

It didn't work.)

With 57 dates in 2 1/2 years, and dozens more during single spells in previous years, I've encountered my share of men who lied about their age, and it always bugged me. Even if they disclosed their true age in their bio. I understood why they did it – to show up in searches, of course – but it still bugged me.

A relationship needs to be built on honesty. Period.

No, I didn't automatically reject the age-fudgers, but let's just say it left a bad taste in my mouth.

And the idea of lying myself? Cringe. Wince.

If I met a guy I was really interested in, our relationship would have started with a lie, and that really bugged me.

Some people lie about their age, then disclose the truth within the profile bio, and I thought about doing that. The problem was it would defeat the purpose of the experiment; if my age were really the turn-off, sharing it in my bio would send them away just as surely as sharing it in elsewhere.

So alas, my hypothesis remained untested.

Until now.

That's right, a few days ago I had a paradigm shift. It suddenly occurred to me that, now that I have a blog, I could approach the experiment as a journalist, with the larger purpose of gathering info for my readers (not that there are many, but there are a few of you out there).

Somehow this simple change in perspective allowed me to feel okay about lying. After all, I'm doing it in the service of Science. Instead of just confessing that I'd lied about my age, which is, if you think about it, pretty much the same as confessing to be a narcissist, I'd have an external reason. And a potential conversation-starter at that.

I'm running an experiment. I'm a journalist.

Of course, it could still turn men off. And the fact that I've got a dating blog might scare some away.

But thankfully, I'm in a rare state of non-urgency around dating. (It helps that I've already got some men in my orbit, a la The Four Man Plan.) If the guys who email me during the duration of this experiment get turned off, c'est la vie.

So. Let's talk data.

My pre-age-deception-experiment profile was up on match for one month. In the past 30 days I received 418 views (or possibly 207; match.com has multiple places that show this data, and they are frustratingly inconsistent). Unfortunately, I deleted some emails and winks long before I decided to run this experiment, so I don't have an exact count, but my best guess is 8-10 emails and about the same number of winks.

So far, less than 24 hours into the experiment, I've received one email. (Ironically enough, from a 47-year old whose preferred age range is 25-45, which I'm well within.) I'll send him a reply momentarily.

Stay tuned. Over the next 30 days, the answer to The Age Question may be revealed once and for all.

Have you ever lied about your age?

Did it get you the result you wanted?

Did you feel weird about it?

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

In which your correspondent ponders the relative safety of being a woman on a sex site.

--

It's said that a man's biggest fear is that a woman will laugh at him, and a woman's biggest fear is that a man will kill her.

If the first part of this statement is true (gentlemen? anyone want to chime in?), it does make one wonder what their thought process is when posting a pee-pee pic on their profile and (even more to the point) sending initial emails with graphic, "rough sex" scenarios they'd like to do to you.

Yes, on Adult Friendfinder this happened to your correspondent more times than she cares to count.

Needless to say, these men never received a response.

If they only knew how much your correspondent and her girlfriends laughed at them (and yes, it was definitely at them, not with them), would they alter their behavior?

And if more men were savvy to the second part of the above statement, surely they'd be more sensitive about how they approach a woman.

(I hate to admit this, but years ago when I broke it off with a guy I'd been seeing, he asked to come over one last time to talk, and part of my brain actually formed the thought "Oh, my god, maybe he's coming over with a gun."

Now, this was a really good guy, one who has probably never had a violent moment in his life. The fact that my thoughts jumped there had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with the terror that we women walk around with at the back of our minds.

Guys just don't get it.

Another time I got a call out of the blue from a guy who'd found my profile on Yahoo personals (which uses real first names, rather than made-up "user IDs"), Google searched my first name and a word from my profile that described something I did... and voilá, up popped my website.

Which had my phone number on it.

It's incredibly easy to stalk someone these days.

Needless to say, I immediately changed my Yahoo personals profile name.

Now, again, this guy turned out to be a really nice person who wasn't out to hurt me. But it's scary out there, and how the hell could I possibly know that from an out-of-the-blue phone call from someone who'd just cyber-stalked me?!)

Before even considering responding to a man, the reptilian part of a woman's brain is pondering:

• is he likely to try to kill me?
• is he likely to try to cause me bodily harm?
• is he likely to be in some other way psycho and/or try to mind fuck me?

If the answers to all of the above are "no," THEN she can get down to the business of deciding if the dang fool is good enough, smart enough, and cute enough to warrant a reply.

Granted, the reptilian processing is more than likely happening on a purely unconscious level (reptiles not being big on raised consciousness, naturally), but believe me, it's there.

Without a basic sense of safety, it ain't happening dude.

Of course, the entire premise of a site like Adult Friendfinder is completely different from your "legit" online dating site. Sure, there are women out there who really are looking for a hookup (a girlfriend of yr. correspondent's used it, with great success, when she decided it was high time she went through a "promiscuous phase", though the many men yr. correspondent corresponded with were more likely to find escorts and scams than "real women" just looking to get laid).

But even so, a girl's got to have a reasonable expectation that she's not going to end up dead at the end of a date.

Now, this is a bit extreme, granted. But still. Putting oneself out there on Adult Friendfinder does take an extra bit of courage that's not required on a site like match.com.

Your correspondent's mother would be horrified if she knew...

to be continued...

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

So here's the deal: since my last relationship ended I have been on fire with creative inspiration. I created this blog, I started another blog, Living A Creative Life (because, let's face it, I may not always be compelled to write about dating, but I can pretty much guarantee that creativity, and living a creative life, will always be compelling to me), I made a bunch of new art and put it up on my Zazzle shop, and I made a commitment to myself to really go for the life I really, really want, to follow my evolving Bliss (or, in my case, my evolving Blisses).

And guess what. All that crap you hear about "Oh, just go out and live your life and do what you love to do, and you'll be happy without a man"? Well, it's true. Because – get this – for at least three days, I totally forgot to check my online dating sites.

Considering that I wrote the song Online Dating Blues pretty much based on my own experiences (okay, I'll grant that it is slightly exaggerated, but not much), this is a big deal.

Yes, I used my dating experiences as a tool for self-growth, and yes I found myself while looking for love (or, at least, I found more of myself, seeing as I've been really been egnaged in finding myself since 7th grade), and yes, I'm a basically happy, upbeat person who is very clear that she does not need a man to be happy/complete me/etc.

But still.

Forgetting to even check my online dating sites is 100% clear validation that when I am fully engaged with my rich, full life, all urgency around finding a life partner just fades away.

Ain't it great?

That said, it's also true that I'm getting some mighty nice attention from a few men in my orbit, which doesn't hurt, but that's frosting. Really.

Super sweet, yummy yum-yum frosting, but frosting nonetheless.

It's the living of my life, the pursuing of my dreams, that makes me happy.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for a date.

What makes you so happy and engaged that looking for love fades into the background? (Now get out and DO IT!)

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.

When you've been on as many internet dates as I have, you collect a lot of material. Sometimes you've just got to write a song about it. Click on the orange doohickey to have a listen. (And if you like my music, you can buy the CD at melissasings.com.)

Enjoy!

~Melissa
The Dating Queen



If you've done any online dating, did you have any amusing or irritating experiences not covered by the song? What were they?

Have you found that men you meet online behave differently from men you meet elsewhere? In what ways?

What's the biggest lesson you learned from online dating?

© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.