Book Review: The Dating Queen’s Favorite Books for Understanding and Loving Yourself (… and Men)
The first task of any woman seeking to find a true partner in life is to (you guessed it) find herself. You've probably heard it a million times: love yourself first. But the thing is, it's true.
Thankfully, there are some great resources for making the whole understanding yourself/loving yourself thing fun! Here are some of my faves.
Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts: Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way with the World
by Regena Tomashauer
I love Mama Gena. If you haven't heard of her, do yourself a favor and check out this book. You, it turns out, are a Sister Goddess, and your desires, your passions, your appetites, are not to be ignored. Quite the contrary! They are, in fact, critical to helping you reach your goals.
As the "Product Description" says on Amazon.com, "Relationship expert Regena Thomashauer teaches the lost 'womanly arts' of identifying your desires, having fun no matter where you are, knowing sensual pleasure, befriending your inner bitch, flirting (in a way that makes your day, not just his), and more -- because making pleasure your priority can actually help you reach your goals. So if you need a refresher course in fun -- and you know you do -- come to Mama."
(I've given this book to a couple of girlfriends, who loved it as well.)
Mama Gena's Owner's and Operator's Guide to Men
by Regena Tomashauer
Okay, this book may be better suited to the Understanding Men book review, but you really should read the School of Womanly Arts first, so it goes here.
If you like Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts, you'll probably also enjoy her Owner's and Operator's Guide to Men. Using the man-as-car metaphor, Mama Gena offers her inimitable advice on such matters as:
• Taking Control of the Wheel (if you want a great man, you're going to have to train him)
• Enjoying the Ride (the importance of paying attention to your own desires and pleasure)
• What's Under His Hood (a guided tour of the inner workings of a man's mind, which boils down to this: men live to serve women)
Mama Gena is saucy and sexy, and riding with her is a whole lot of fun. She presents a provocative paradigm that's totally foreign for many women: celebrate your passion and indulge your appetites to love your life!
A Fine Romance: The Passage of Courtship from Meeting to Marriage
by Judith Sills
It seems like all of the best books come to me through Fawn. Usually after the end of a relationship. This is one of those.
If you've ever wondered what the hell is going on when two people connect and fall in love (or connect, fall in love, then split apart), grab a copy of this book. Sills approaches the human mating ritual like a naturalist observing birds on the tundra.
It's fascinating!
One of the points that stuck with me the most is the idea of readiness as an essential ingredient for a relationship. I mean, duh, but how many times have I pined for someone who just wasn't ready? The fact is, he could be a great guy for you, the perfect guy for you, but if he's not ready, he's not the right guy for you. And of course it goes both ways: if he's ready and you're not, it's a no-go.
But Sills has a lot more to say than that. She breaks relationships into five stages: The Selection, The Seduction, The Switch, The Negotiation and The Commitment. She explains each stage, and offers examples of couples going through it to demonstrate variations in how it might play out.
Fawn loaned me this book right after the guy who had just won me promptly dropped me because he felt too strongly for me. (Huh?) Turns out this is classic (though rather extreme) Switch behavior: when the pursuer backs off just as their partner responds. (Joy of joys.)
Seriously, understanding what had happened didn't stop the heartache, but it did help.
I'd keep this one on your shelf as a reference to turn to again and again.
--
What are your favorite books for understanding and loving yourself (and men)?
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
Book Review: The Dating Queen’s Recommendations for Books to Help Understand Men (as if that’s possible…)
One of the great challenges of dating is that men are just so... confusing! Does he like me? Why didn't he call? Should I ask him out?
It's enough to drive a girl crazy.
Thankfully, there's help. The two books in this section offer some insight into what the heck a guy is thinking, and what to do – or not do – about it.
He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
Authors Behrendt and Tuccillo took the core of a Sex and the City episode and spun it into a highly entertaining, and eminently sensible self-help book. Written in a fun, easy-to-read Q&A format, the book's main theme is that if a guy is really into you, he'll make sure you know it, and if you're tying yourself in knots trying to figure out whether he is into you, you're wasting your time, so move on!
Some women I know find this notion depressing. Personally, I found it hugely liberating. Although I don't necessarily agree with both authors all the time (and they don't always agree with each other – they engage in a back-and-forth dialogue throughout the book), the general thrust is something all women would benefit from wrapping their heads around: you are an awesome super-fox, and you deserve someone who will recognize that and treat you like a queen. Stop wasting time chasing after or pining for men who aren't interested or are toying with you!
HJNTIY is the book that launched my personal exploration into the world of men and relationships. As women, we need to respect ourselves enough to not waste time and energy on men who make us crazy. This book is a great guidebook for pointing out the myriad ways we get caught in that trap, and for helping to avoid said traps in the future.
(Also see the original song and video inspired by the book.)
Mars and Venus On A Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship
by John Gray
I'll admit it: I never took the whole Mars & Venus concept seriously. The metaphor irritated me (come on, we're all human beings here!), and I just found it all so cheesy that I avoided the books with a sneer.
Then, one day, while I was in a bookstore on a date, I came back from the info desk to find my date with Mars & Venus On A Date in his hands.
Cute. Ironic. Hahaha.
But when I asked him (rather scornfully, as I recall) if he'd learned anything, he said that in fact he had: women love a man with a plan.
Hmm... In my case, at least, this is definitely true, so I thought if John Gray understands this much about women, perhaps he might have something to teach me about men. God knows I sure didn't have the answers myself!
I never saw the guy again (amusingly, after assuring me that he'd have a plan for our next date, when he called to set it up, his plan was "Um.. I dunno, what do you want to do?"), but I went back to the bookstore the next day and bought a used copy of the book.
Although I have to stress that I don't agree with everything Gray writes (and some things I vehemently disagree with), I still found his book incredibly useful.
One of the most important lessons I learned from Gray is that men really like to do things for women. In previous relationships I'd always been afraid of making my guy feel exploited. I was perfectly capable of doing stuff myself, after all, so I declined a lot of offers of assistance. Only when I read Mars & Venus On A Date did I get it why this response only irritated my guy and made him feel rebuffed. (Okay, I'm kind of dense, but hell, that's the truth.) Gray's advice helped me learn to receive, and to let the men in my life be heroes. Definitely a good thing.
--
Next up: books to help you understand yourself!
--
What books have you read that helped you understand men better?
© 2010, The Dating Queen. All rights reserved. Please provide link back to original post.
Who is the Dating Queen?
In the Dating Queen Shop
Dating Queen Music
Dating Queen Art
